Summer Days
by tikitikirevenge
Summary: The Smashers all spontaneously combust. CHAPTER 7 NOW UP: Mario and Bowser face each other in a super climax. Its kewl. l33t w00t w00t SOnic iS in It!111 lol :o
1. Stuff blows up

  
**SUMMER DAYS**

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters used in this story. Most of these characters are owned by Nintendo. I do not own the rights to these characters, nor do I own , nor do I own Sega, nor do I own HAL Labs. I do, however, own this story. Please don't copy this story, because that would be taking away my income. You see, I make money from posting stories like this. On the internet. On a web site which freely displays stories. Without any need to pay money. Really. I do. 

**Chapter 1**

The room, like the rest of the building, had been torn apart. Chairs and tables lay on their sides around the ground. The outer wall had small holes in it, letting a breeze flow in.   
Samus Aran, wearing the suit entrusted to her by the Chozo, stepped quickly and silently through the mess, wary of whatever unseen force had done so much damage to the "Smash Mansion". She had no idea why she was still here and not out making money doing her day job of being a bounty hunter. But Master Hand had insisted upon everyone staying long after the casual tournament had finished. "Socializing," he had called it, or some other euphemistic rubbish.   
Who did this to the mansion?   
She walked through the door into a room which seemed to be the sort of room people hold conferences in. Even as she walked through the door she felt an instinctive disturbance. It was a trap!   
Samus spun around, but saw nothing. No. That couldn't be. There was something here, and whatever it was…   
Wind whistled behind her.   
She turned.   
A deafening noise…   
…a powerful grip…   
…shades of red…   
… And then blackness. 

Jigglypuff, Popo, Nana and Ness were having a fierce argument. Actually, Nana and Ness were having an argument. Jigglypuff was trying to prove to Popo that she really was a super star dancer, and Popo was lying on the ground in a daze after being accidentally hit on the head one too many times.   
"Nana, do I _look_ like a cheat to you?" said Ness stubbornly.   
"Yes! You! Do!" shouted Nana.   
"Jiggly jiggly puff!" said Jigglypuff, cartwheeling across the table Ness and Nana were sitting at.   
"Nana, I only use my psychic powers for the good of mankind!"   
"YOU SAW MY CARDS!"   
"Did not!"   
"Did too!"   
"Did not!"   
"Did too!"   
Jigglypuff tripped and landed on Ness's head. Specifically, on his face. The argument ended.   
"Nana…" said Popo.   
"Yes?" growled Nana, suddenly bearing a remarkable resemblance to an angry polar bear.   
"Give it a rest. It's only a card game."   
"IT IS NOT ONLY A GAME!"   
Slightly muffled by a pink Pokemon stuck to his face, Ness said, "Then what is it, Nana?"   
Nana stopped to think about that. Hmm... blackjack was… a science? No, not really. And it probably wasn't an art. But it most definitely was **not** a game. It was… it was…   
Silence.   
Jigglypuff let go of Ness' face, landing hard on the floor. Jigglypuff, unable to remember what just happened, started dancing again.   
Silence.   
Unable to think of an answer, Nana whipped out a mallet and hit Ness on the head.   
Jigglypuff, who thought herself very wise, attempted to tell Nana that violence wouldn't solve anything. But Jigglypuff had a terrible vocabulary, so she attempted an abstract interpretation:   
Hop! Step! Cartwheel! Backflip! "Jiggly!" Step! Splits! Hop! Bob! Sing! "Puff jig!" Duck! Trip!   
Fortunately, Kirby, with his mouth full, opened the door and walked into the room. Everyone stopped.   
Silence. (Yes, there was a lot of silence that day.)   
"Um…" said Popo. "I know! Captain Penguin!"   
"Idiot," snapped Nana. "It's Captain _Feather_, silly."   
Kirby shook his head.   
Nana thought. "Um… Link?"   
Kirby shook his head.   
Jigglypuff thought (no, not really). "Jigglypuff!" she said.   
Kirby shook his head, with an exasperated expression on his face.   
Ness finally recovered from the mallet. He looked at Kirby, and smiled to himself.   
"Hmm… average size…" he thought. Kirby suddenly turned black for a moment. "Got an electric attack… Fox? No, too fast to be Fox." Out loud, Ness said "Is it Samus, Kirby?"   
Kirby nodded. He ran to an open window, aimed, and exhaled. 

When she had been trapped inside the infinite vacuum, Samus had swivelled around to face where she had come in from. She immediately began firing plasma beams and missiles. But nothing happened. She reached out and felt an edge. She attempted dropping a bomb, which seemed to shake the mysterious contraption somewhat. But after half an hour or so, she realised that resistance was indeed futile. This was it. She was trapped.   
Samus Aran suddenly went flying out of a window in the Smash Mansion. Seeing the ground coming up underneath her, she spread her arms and legs apart and landed on all fours, cushioning her impact.   
What had happened?   
She looked back at the window she had just fallen out of. 

"Eek!" said Kirby, ducking out of sight. "Popo, I think she saw me!"   
Nana looked extremely angry now. "There! You cheated again, Ness. I **know** you used your psychic powers to work out who it was."   
"Nana, I'm not that bad! I worked it out myself! Only Samus could have been hitting Kirby like that."   
"You are a CHEAT!"   
Ness, tired of the argument, exerted a small psychic burst, knocking her unconscious. He and Popo both breathed a sigh of relief.   
Jigglypuff thought (it took all her energy to do that), "This is funny!" She danced out of the room. Via the window. And fell. Out of the window.   
Popo said, "Nana's a brilliant climber, but she's an absolute-"   
"Yeah."   
"Hey, you are using your psychic powers!"   
"No, I… guessed what you were going to say."   
Kirby stuck his head out of the window and saw that Jigglypuff had landed on something hard, namely Samus. "Hi!" he yelled, then, realising that he had given himself away, ran for it. 

"Isn't Mario really cute?" asked Peach.   
"Oh, yes. Kind of sexy, too."   
"What?" said Peach.   
"Um… nothing," said Captain Falcon.   
Peach, Captain Falcon and Link were lying out on the grass outside the Smash Mansion.   
"It's hot," said Link.   
"So are you," said Captain Falcon.   
"Anyone up for a game of tennis?" said Peach in a voice which was so cheery that if you heard it you probably would have gone **completely insane and started to eat her hair in an attempt to make her stop**.   
Captain Falcon, upon hearing Peach's voice, went so **completely insane that he started to pull and bite at Peach's hair to make her shut up**.   
"In this weather?" said Link. "It's way too hot."   
"Like you," said Captain Falcon.   
"What?" said Peach.   
"Just forget I said that. Link is not hot. Link is… ugly, yeah. Link's really ugly."   
Link decided that this was an insult, and tried to pull out his sword, ram the blade of it against Captain Falcon's throat, and growl. But by the time he had slipped the sword out, exhaustion had overcome him, and he collapsed face forward.   
Peach giggled.   
Kirby landed on Peach's face.   
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" screamed Peach.   
"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" said Kirby.   
Samus ran up, aimed her grappling beam, and swept Kirby into midair. "What the" – a bird conveniently chirped, censoring the next word - "were you doing trying to eat me?"   
"Hey, baby," said Captain Falcon. "It must be hot in that suit. Why don't you take it off?"   
Samus repositioned her left leg onto Captain Falcon's groin.   
"Oof," said Captain Falcon.   
Peach, rolling over on the grass, said "Samus, he's got a point. You must be boiling in that choco suit."   
"There's a cooling system inside it. It keeps the temperature nice and comfortable."   
Link, in a sudden burst of strength, stood up. "Give me the suit. I need… the suit… air conditioning… Ganon… Zelda… cool… too hot… Captain Falcon… gay…" He pulled out a bomb. "Get suit… off…" He threw the bomb at Samus' neck.   
Samus pivoted on her left foot (which was still on Captain Falcon's groin), and threw herself backwards. The bomb missed her by millimetres…   
Kirby, still stuck to Samus' grappling beam, saw a big blue-black object flying through the air. "Ice cream?" he thought, and inhaled it. He swallowed, and turned into… BOMB KIRBY! With the super ability to create… oh, come on, that's obvious.   
Link was worn out after burning 3 calories, and collapsed to the ground, his sword landing on C. Falcon's head. Peach and Samus ran.   
Kirby looked down at Link and Captain Falcon, and pulled out a bomb from nowhere.   
"Not… good!" said Captain Falcon. 

Ness and Mewtwo were playing chess together. Both being psychic, arguments started up quite quickly.   
_"You were reading my mind!"_ exclaimed Mewtwo.   
"Was not," said Ness. "But you were cheating, you knew what I was going to do!"   
They simultaneously let out great masses of psychic energy aimed at each other. These masses of psychic energy cancelled each other out, but hit the chess board, sending plastic figurines flying in all directions.   
A loud explosion sounded from outside.   
Mewtwo and Ness looked at each other.   
Silence.   
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" laughed Ness.   
Mewtwo was, for once, rather amused. _"This is actually quite enjoyable."_   
"Ha ha… yeah, Mewwie," said Ness.   
_"CALL ME MEWTWO, FOOLISH CHILD!"_ raged Mewtwo.   
"Oh, ha ha ha… okay." Ness suddenly decided that he needed to teach the 'nice kitty' some morals. "It's really funny because it's happening to someone else, Mewtwo. If you suddenly got into a lot of trouble, you wouldn't think it's funny, would you?"   
Bowser ironically fell through the ceiling at that moment, landing on top of Ness. Mewtwo knew that there was some hilarious comment that he should make, but he really couldn't think of one at the moment. Not wanting either of them to have him nearby when they recovered, he went out to laugh at Link and Captain Falcon in their faces. 

"Samus?" said Peach.   
"What?" said Samus.   
"You're a bad example to little girls out there."   
"Why?"   
"Because now they think that it's _nice_ to go around killing innocent creatures for money."   
"I never said that."   
"Well, you do that all the time."   
"It's my _job_, Peach! I suppose you want girls to think that they should be getting kidnapped by ugly guys?"   
Peach gasped. "How dare you! Ladies aren't supposed to stand up and fight for themselves!"   
"I don't know what planet you've been living on for the last twenty years, Peach."   
Peach pulled of Samus' helmet, and slapped her in the face.   
"Eek!" screamed Samus. Samus elbowed Peach in the stomach.   
"Ow!" gasped Peach. She punched Samus in the nose.   
"Grr," growled Samus, kicking Peach in the chest.   
"You censored!" yelled Peach, pulling out a tennis racquet and taking aim. Samus ducked, fired a missile at Peach's head, and rolled over to her helmet.   
Peach threw the racquet at Samus, who pulled on her helmet and activated the morph ball.   
"Trying to get away?" jeered Peach. "Well, I'll teach you a lesson!" She pulled out a golf club and ran towards the morph ball.   
"WOMEN!" she swung and hit Samus across the room.   
"DO!" she chased the morph ball down the hall.   
"NOT!" she swung the golf club around violently, trying to get Samus.   
"ACT!" she dived forward and grabbed at the morph ball.   
"VIOLENTLY!" Samus struggled to get out. Peach pulled out an umbrella and began to viciously maul Samus. 

**--insert shower scene from _Psycho_--**

Link stood up, still completely black. Strangely, Kirby was completely unharmed. Link considered attacking Kirby, then remembered it was too hot to do that. Wearily, he walked inside the Smash Mansion. Ah. A bit cooler. But not really. Maybe if he could find Samus again, he could persuade her to let him use the suit.   
"Not so fast!" came a voice.   
Link spun around. Standing in the hallway before him was the evil Ganondorf!   
"Ha ha! I am Ganondorf! Embodiment of evil, power, wealth, and desire! I am that which blackens the heart of man; I am the destroyer! I will cause the end of all that does good, and cause the reign of all that does evil! For I am the manifestation of Ganon, which is evil itself, and I shall destroy Hyrule, the Smash Mansion, and the universe!"   
Link had been slowly backing away for two minutes by the time Ganondorf finished his speech. Realising he had no time left, Link bolted.   
"Not so fast, mortal!" cried Ganondorf, chasing Link down the hall. "I was just… um… kidding. I don't want you dead, I want us to be… friends, yeah… friends! Please… slow down… let me kill you… um… with friendship…"   
Link ran through a door and realised that it was a storage closet. He was trapped! Oh no!   
Ganondorf menacingly stormed up to Link. "Thought you could get away?"   
"Please, Ganondorf. You won't get away with this. They'll find my body."   
"Link, I thought you were smarter than that. **Nobody gives a damn about you.**"   
Link began to cry. "Nobody loves me… nobody wants to be friends… wait, wouldn't my past self care if I die?"   
"Good point."   
"Actually, if my past self did see me die, then I should remember dying."   
"Are you sure?"   
"Yep."   
"I **hate** time paradoxes. Maybe… maybe you don't remember yourself dying because I put a memory spell on your younger self."   
"Then why am I seeing myself dying now?"   
"Because I've removed the spell, idiot!"   
"You have?"   
"I really have no idea what we're talking about," said Ganondorf, preparing a **DEATH SPELL**. "Now you must die!" He took aim…   
Ganondorf began to mutter the curse…   
A large ball of energy appeared…   
At that moment, Peach went running and screaming through the hall, waving an umbrella through the air, accidentally KO'ing Ganondorf.   
Link stepped out of the storage closet.   
Peach was lying face forward at the front door to the mansion. 

Samus ran back to where she had left Kirby. Kirby had disappeared, but Captain Falcon was still there. Mewtwo appeared for no particular reason.   
C. Falcon flexed his muscles at Samus, and looked at Mewtwo. "Hey! You're that… um… psychic thingy."   
_"Call me Mewtwo,"_ thought Mewtwo, calmly, but with a slight hint of **PSYCHOPATHIC HOMCIDAL PSYCHOCIDAL DEATH ANGER POWER SUPER CHARGE-UP DARK ENERGY HOLY EVIL PLAIN GREAT HUMBLE DEATH THREATS FIRE ICE EARTH AIR WATER EXPLOSION MURDER DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE YOLK JIGGLYPUFF FORCE DESTRUCTION PAIN ANGUISH AGONY TORTURE RAGE** in his voice. Just a hint.   
"Um… so, Mewtwo," said Captain Falcon, "You have psychic powers?"   
_"No,"_ Mewtwo responded, using psychokinetic mind rays which transmitted through a finite amount of space in zero time.   
"Really?"   
_"OF COURSE I'M PSYCHIC!"_ raged Mewtwo.   
Samus said, "Calm down, Mewtwo. Captain Falcon is extremely stupid."   
"Hey, baby," said C. Falcon. "I'm not the dumbest person in the smash mansion."   
"Yes you are," said Samus.   
Right on cue, Jigglypuff rolled between Falcon and Samus, and fell into a lake.   
"Okay," said Samus. "You're the _second_ dumbest person in the Smash Mansion."   
_"You humans are psychotic,"_ said Mewtwo.   
"Well what about you, Mewtwo?" replied C. Falcon. "You're supposed to be a homicidal maniac."   
_"Really?"_   
"Yep. And I bet you'd maul one of us if there weren't any witnesses. You're a crazy killer."   
_"So if Samus left, I'd murder you?"_   
"Duh," said Captain Falcon, scratching his butt.   
_"How interesting."_   
Captain Falcon noticed that Samus had left.   
Silence.   
"Um, Mewtwo, about the whole evil psychosis thing? I take it back."   
_"That's all right, human. It wasn't too insulting. After all, you were right."_   
Silence.   
"Um… I have to go now. It's… an F-Zero race, yeah. An F-Zero race."   
Silence.   
"Err… good psychic kitty."   
Mewtwo narrowed his eyes, briefly revealing a **PSYCHOPATHIC HOMCIDAL PSYCHOCIDAL DEATH ANGER POWER SUPER CHARGE-UP DARK ENERGY HOLY EVIL PLAIN GREAT HUMBLE DEATH THREATS FIRE ICE EARTH AIR WATER EXPLOSION MURDER DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE YOLK JIGGLYPUFF FORCE DESTRUCTION PAIN ANGUISH AGONY TORTURE RAGE**.   
Silence.   
Captain Falcon blinked. 

Peach woke up and heard shouts of pain. Then she heard thunderclaps, gunshots, and loud, deafening explosions. "Ooh… the tennis is already on," she said. She hopped inside. Finally, she had something to do on this boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, day. 


	2. The pot of death

**SUMMER DAYS**

CLAIMER: I own everything in the world. Nintendo is just a lame rip-off of me. I am supreme! Worship me!   
Really.   
Please believe me? 

**Chapter 2**

It was late in the afternoon. The temperature was lower now (but was still hot enough to boil water).   
Kirby and Yoshi were staring at each other.   
"Hi?" said Kirby.   
"Yoshi!" said Yoshi.   
"Are you Yoshi?" said Kirby.   
"Yoshi yoshi!" nodded Yoshi.   
Kirby wondered what dinosaurs taste like. 

**--begin flashback--**   
Kirby eats Yoshi, and becomes Yoshi Kirby! 

**--end flashback--**   
Kirby wondered if Yoshi still tasted that bad. A glazed look came over his eyes. "Mmm…" he mumbled, stepping closer and closer to Yoshi…   
Yoshi suddenly realised he was in mortal danger. He looked wildly around the hallway, searching for some weapon. Nothing!   
Kirby waddled closer and closer. "Aaah…"   
"Yoshi yoshi!" screamed Yoshi, pointing to the kitchen.   
"What?" said Kirby.   
Yoshi pantomimed eating food.   
"Oh! Poyo!" said Kirby, and waddled off to the kitchen.   
Yoshi went out to the back garden. Maybe he would (shock horror) dig a hole outside! Or even (shock horror) dance a bit! 

_Meanwhile… on a roof top… somewhere… far far away…_   
"So Mario, you have come to face me," snarled Bowser. "Don't you realise that I'm bigger, more powerful, more ugly, better looking, more Koopa-ish, more shell-ish, more strong, more dragon-like, more intelligent, more wise, and more evil than you?"   
"Um-a, I realise that-a, Bowser, but-a I always defeat you anyway."   
"True. Well, this time, it will be different!"   
"Why?" asked Mario.   
"Because I'm not going to waste my energy on a long winding pre-kill speech. I'm going to destroy you without any farewell. That way I don't tire. That way, you will certainly be dead!"   
"Doesn't-a that count as a farewell speech?"   
Bowser jumped onto Mario.   
"Oof-a," said Mario.   
"Now what are you going to do, Mario? There's no escape."   
Luigi appeared behind Bowser. "Not so fast, King Koopa! We're here to stop you!"   
"What are you going to do, Lario?"   
"My name is-a Luigi!"   
"Thanks," snarled Bowser. "I really, really care."   
"Well, first I'm going-a to throw fireballs at you, then I sissy punch-a you for three minutes, then I pick-a you up, and throw you off the roof."   
Bowser grabbed Luigi and forced him under, too.   
Mario looked at Luigi. "Nice going, Luigi. Now we're both-a stuck. Any ideas?"   
Luigi always kept his promises. So he began to throw fireballs at Bowser's belly.   
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" said Bowser.   
Bowser hopped off.   
Mario leaped through the air, fists first. "Goodbye!" he yelled.   
Bowser stepped to the side. 

_Meanwhile… in the garden_   
Mario landed on Yoshi, who was smelling his own eggs. (How can a male Yoshi make eggs? It doesn't make any sense. Unlike this story. This story makes a lot of sense.)   
"Thanks for saving me, Yoshi," said Mario to his favourite dinosaur friend (and coincidentally, his only one).   
Yoshi went off to the turnip patch where some of the children were working. Maybe he could turn them into eggs. 

Luigi, angered by his brother's fall, ran up to Bowser and began to sissy punch him.   
"Aarrggh!" said Bowser, who didn't really find this painful, but thought it was as annoying as… Jigglypuff (what could possibly be worse?).   
Luigi continued to sissy punch Bowser. For three minutes. By the time he was finished, Bowser was halfway through a book called "Ignoring Dumb Sidekicks for Dummies".   
Luigi gasped. "I'm not a dumb-a sidekick!"   
"Oh? And what are you going to do about it, Lario? Throw me off the roof?" 

Ness and Yoshi walked into the turnip patch together. Nana turned and saw Ness, and growled.   
"What?" said Ness.   
She pounced. Turnips, dust, caps, polar bears, fluff and Popo went flying as they struggled on the ground.   
"CHEAT!" she screamed. "I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU! I'LL CUT OFF YOUR CHEST THEN I'LL BOIL YOU ALIVE AND THEN I'LL MASH YOU INTO TINY LITTLE PIECES!"   
"Um, I think… I hear… Ganondorf… asking for me…" Young Link said, turning to leave.   
"Nana, calm down!" yelled Popo!   
"Yoshi?" said Yoshi, sticking his head in front of Nana.   
The fighting stopped.   
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" screamed the children, running around the turnip patch.   
"Yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" said Yoshi, chasing them.   
Ness turned around and attempted PK Flash on Yoshi. Yoshi didn't notice.   
Ness, Nana, and Popo screamed and ran into each other. They collapsed on the ground.   
Yoshi wondered if they wanted him to turn them into eggs.   
The children screamed.   
Yoshi prepared to eat them…   
Bowser landed on top of Yoshi.   
"Damn you… Lario…" he mumbled, before fainting. 

"Okay," said Zelda. "Lots of salt, because everyone wants salt. Same thing with sugar, pepper and flour."   
"Right," said Peach, moving to the other end of the kitchen. "All the salt, sugar, pepper, and a flower."   
"Not 'a flower', Peach, _flour_!"   
"That's what I said," said Peach, grabbing some daisies from a vase. "A bunch of flowers."   
Zelda crossed the kitchen, and kicked Peach in the stomach. She picked up a bag of flour. "This sort of flower! Honestly, do you have _any_ idea about cooking?"   
Peach clutched her stomach, and put the flowers back in the vase.   
"Right," said Zelda. "_Are you listening_"?   
"Yes," said Peach, thinking about golf.   
"Okay. Pizza and pasta, for those two guys. You know, the ones who keep on saving you. Donkey Kong says that bananas would be nice, so get a couple dozen bunches of those."   
Peach miraculously brought the correct ingredients.   
"Thanks. Anything you want for Kirby, and get ice cream for the Eskimo kids. Now, I _think_ Fox eats rabbits, but I'm not sure."   
"Foxes don't eat rabbits. They eat golf balls," said Peach, still thinking about golf.   
"Okay, then, golf balls for McCloud, Samus – what the hell does she eat? Probably astronaut food. Or maybe carcasses? Get both just to be safe."   
"Right," said Peach cheerily.   
"I'm not sure if the Pokemon eat. What would they eat, Peach?"   
"Um… putters?"   
"Okay, get those. Add some vegetables, because they're healthy. Ness will probably want fish, because I read somewhere that they make you smart."   
Peach, struggling under the weight of 10kg of food, dropped them in front of Zelda.   
"Brilliant," said Zelda, pushing all the ingredients into a large pot, and stirring slowly. "I think we should add sashes for Marth and Roy."   
"Sashes?"   
"You know, raw fish."   
"Sashes are made of raw fish?"   
"Yes."   
Peach discretely removed some of the jewellery she had been wearing. Wrinkling her nose, she threw it into the pot.   
Kirby snuck into the kitchen.   
He looked around. This was the kitchen! And this was a mansion which many, many, many, many people lived in! So somewhere around here was a magical treasure chest.   
Aha! Kirby walked over to the refrigerator. But he couldn't reach the handle! There was only one sensible course of action to take…   
Kirby ate the door. "Ooh," he said. It could certainly use some sugar…   
Sugar…   
Beans…   
Vegetables…   
Ice cream…   
Lollies…   
What? No Waddle Dees?   
Pancakes…   
Enough food to last him an hour…   
"Zelda, Kirby's drooling in front of the fridge."   
"That's nice. Now Bowser will probably want the Mario Brothers, so if you see them, put them in the pot."   
Kirby decided that it would be a good idea to eat this slowly.   
But that wouldn't be any fun, would it?   
_"Eat me,"_ said the carrot. Kirby ate it.   
_"Put me into your mouth_," the ice cream called. Kirby ate it.   
_"I'm good for you_," said the tub of 100 fat. Kirby ate it.   
_"Don't let me go to waste,"_ said the dead cow. Kirby inhaled.   
_"I'm delicious,"_ said the 1-mile sub. Kirby gobbled it.   
_"Ha! I thought you would fall for this trap. Now I'll get rid of you for once and for all!"_ said the blue penguin in royal clothes. Kirby ate it.   
_"Eat me for salvation!"_ said the land of milk and honey. Kirby complied. 

Donkey Kong and Bowser had both decided they needed to teach the Mario Brothers a lesson. They were arguing over who got Mario.   
"I'm Mario's nemesis!" cried Bowser.   
"Well, my family was against Mario long before you were!" said Donkey Kong.   
"Let's settle this the old fashioned way," snarled Bowser.   
"You're on," growled DK.   
_Later…_   
"Got any aces?" said Bowser.   
"Go fish," said DK.   
"Hey, you're cheating!" said Bowser. "You've got the ace of spades _and_ the ace of hearts!"   
"Fine, fine – wait, how did you know?" said Donkey Kong. He turned around and saw the giant mass of mirrors, taking up half the room, which Bowser had just installed.   
Mario and Luigi walked in. "Hello!" said Mario. "You two shouldn't-a be-a fighting. It's-a rude."   
Mario and Luigi walked out.   
"What do those two know?" said DK.   
"They've got to be kidding. Let's settle this the old fashioned way. A one-on-one brawl. Whoever wins gets Mario."   
"Yeah, what does Mario know?"   
"Wait…" said Bowser.   
"What?"   
"Mario just walked past us."   
"I know," said DK. "Whoever finds Mario first gets to beat him up."   
The two giants left the room with astonishing speed. 

"I hear bread is good for you," said Peach.   
"Well, grab some bread, and put it into the pot. And while you're there, get ink."   
"Ink?"   
"I _think_ that's what Mr Game & Watch eats."   
"Okay," said the dumb blonde princess.   
"Good," said the smart blonde princess.   
Kirby was now putting some thought into what he ate. Bread? Stale. Oh well. Paper? Isn't that an Egyptian delicacy? Could use some salt. The bull-sized steak was a bit small, but tasted lovely with that maple syrup.   
Chicken? Mmm.   
Sugar? Sweet.   
Lollipops? Small.   
Cabbage? Green.   
_Ooh,_ thought Kirby, as two plumbers ran past him, followed by an ape.   
Ooh… giant Bowser-shaped lolly…   
_Ow!_ thought Kirby. _Spiky!_   
Kirby spat Bowser out through a window.   
Did I mention that the kitchen is several storeys up? Well, it is.   
Bowser fell out of the window with a thud.   
Mario and Luigi ran in front of the window and jeered at DK, who ran at them full blast. The Mario brothers performed physics-defying air dodges to reveal – THE WINDOW!   
Donkey Kong yelled as he fell out too.   
Not wanting to miss out on the fun, Jigglypuff leaped out of the room. Via the window. And fell. Out of the window.   
"Ooh, Zelda! I found a giant pink marshmallow!" said Peach, grabbing Kirby.   
"Well then, Peach, put it in the pot!" said Zelda, stirring the mixture which had become an odd shade of yellow-green. 

"Aaah!" screamed the ice climbers called the Ice Climbers, ice climbing the ice climbable giant glacier at top ice climbing speed.   
"Yoshi!" said Yoshi, trying to turn them into eggs.   
"Jigglypuff!" said Jigglypuff, falling past them and landing face forward on Bowser's spiked shell. 

Kirby saw the pot looming ahead of him. He smelt it. Oh no! The pot contained death itself! Must… use… Warp Star… or… eat… princess…   
Not that Kirby would eat Princess Toadstool. Princesses tasted bad.   
On the other hand… she was named Peach… maybe she tasted like peach.   
"Peach? Where did you go?"   
No, she tasted terrible. Kirby spat her out.   
Peach landed in a pile of cardboard boxes.   
"Oh, there you are," said Zelda. "Good point. Grab a couple of those boxes and put them in. Do you think Bowser will eat knives?" 

Fox was walking down the hall when he heard Samus' voice.   
"Hey, Fox!"   
"What?" he said, turning around.   
"How do you do that?"   
"Do what?"   
"The whole fire coming out of your butt thing."   
"I put a jet engine in my pants whenever I fight."   
Samus and Fox laughed.   
"Seriously," said Fox.   
Samus and Fox laughed.   
"No, really."   
"Isn't that cheating?" said Samus.   
"Yes. So now that I've told you, I'll have to kill you."   
They laughed.   
Fox pulled out a giant jet engine twice his size which he had kept hidden in his pants. "You see, Aran, this doubles as a flamethrower. You're going down big time."   
They laughed.   
Fox aimed and fired.   
The fire immediately went flying into Samus. Fortunately for her, she was wearing her helmet. "This suit can take temperatures of up to 9000 degrees," she said.   
The suit began to heat up.   
Samus screamed. Fox laughed, megalomaniacal-style (no, I don't know what that means either), and walked slowly towards Samus. 

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" screamed Ness, running from Yoshi. Yoshi chased him up the staircase and down the hall.   
A giant wall of fire lay ahead. Ness ran, and used PSI force to create an energy magnet as he ran straight through the flames. Yoshi ran straight into the flames, and only after several seconds did he notice the heat. He ran around in circles. 

Suddenly, the flamethrower stopped. "Ha!" said Samus. "You can't kill me if your high-tech flamethrower is out of fuel."   
Fox looked at the gauges. "Wait – it's not out of fuel!" He turned it around to reveal Yoshi's body sticking out of the nozzle of the flamethrower.   
"Fox," said Samus. "Is that still on?"   
"Yes,"   
"What happens when it overheats?"   
"You don't want to know."   
"You sure?"   
"Yes," said Fox.   
They ran. 

"It's going to take ages to heat this up," moaned Zelda. "We won't make it in time for dinner."   
"Don't worry," said Peach. "I'll ask Toad to conjure a giant fire."   
"Peach, you need 25 warlocks to conjure a fire big enough to cook this lovely broth. It won't happen."   
An explosion from the floor below instantly heated up the pot full of stuff.   
"Ooh," said Peach. "Mario and Luigi must have heard our cries for help."   
Yoshi climbed out of the pot and ran off.   
Zelda pointed to the contents of the pot. "It's turned blue!"   
"How interesting," said Peach sincerely.   
Kirby, rather full now, walked out of the room in a daze. He collapsed and dreamed of mallet-wielding blue penguins kicking giant blackberries. 

_Later… at dinner… somewhere mysterious-ish…_   
Everyone sat down at the large banquet table.   
Zelda was standing up. "23, 24, 25!" she counted. "That's everyone except Master Hand. But he can't eat."   
"Yes he can," said Link.   
Zelda looked angry. "What would you know? You never pay attention to anything. You never did, even when you were just a kid."   
"Hey!" said Young Link.   
"Um, no offence meant to you."   
Kirby fainted on his plate, and rolled off the table.   
"Attention everyone!" yelled Zelda. "Today was such a hot day that Peach and I decided to cook for everyone tonight! I'm sure you'll all find something you enjoy in this meal!"   
"Soup?" said Captain Falcon questioningly. "Is that all? Muscle men like me need lots of meat and… um… stuff!"   
"Captain Falcon," said Samus, "men like you need to learn how to count."   
"I can count!" said Captain Falcon.   
"What number comes after 1?" asked Samus.   
Captain Falcon shut up.   
"Drink up!" said Peach in a voice which was so cheery that if you heard it you would probably would have **gone insane and threw stuff at her to kill her so that she would shut up**. Luckily for Peach, everyone ignored her.   
Everyone tried Peach and Zelda's special meal. 

_Five seconds later… in the bathroom…_   
"Move it, loser," snapped Samus. "You're not the only person who needs to puke."   
"Hey!" said Bowser. "I just happen to have quite a stomach!" 

Peach and Zelda were sitting, staring blankly at the empty seats.   
"Peach?" said Zelda.   
"Yes?"   
"I don't think anybody appreciates good healthy food any more."   
"_Jigglypuff likes good food,_" thought Jigglypuff, starting to dance in the pot full of weird stuff.   
"Maybe," said Peach, "it could have used a teensy bit more sugar." 

After he had finished vomiting, Falco noted: "You know, I have no idea what the hell was in that stuff, but I don't think I want those two cooking any time soon."   
"Hear, hear," said Captain Falcon. "Hey, Samus! Why don't you try cooking? You'd look good wearing a chef's apron. And nothing else."   
A charged plasma beam, seven missiles, three bombs, one laser beam, two punches, and one 720-degree spinning kick hit Captain Falcon in the groin simultaneously.   
"Pika," said Pikachu. "Pika pika pi-chu!"   
"What-a does that mean?" asked Luigi.   
_"It means,"_ thought Mewtwo, _"that Pikachu thinks that with a bit of sugar, it would have tasted wonderful."_   
Everyone winced.   
_"He was joking,"_   
Everyone cheered, then ran back to the bathroom. 

Kirby woke up and felt hungry. He looked and saw a Pokemon dancing in some sort of syrup. No, that wouldn't do. Ooh! Two princesses… with pink dressings… and stuff…   
Oblivious of their impending doom, Zelda and Peach argued about icing sugar. 


	3. Can you feel the love tonight?

**SUMMER DAYS**

DISCLAIMER: What is mine is not;   
Nintendo does not own me;   
This does not make sense. 

**Chapter 3**

Link stumbled into bed, wishing that he could eat something classy. As in something which wasn't saturated with random ingredients.   
Young Link walked in.   
"Hi," said Young Link.   
"Hi, Young Link," said Link.   
"Why are you calling me _young_ Link? My name's just Link."   
"But it's confusing when there are two people with the same name."   
"Are you me?"   
"What?" said Link.   
"Am I you?"   
"I think that one day you will be me and that once I was you."   
"What's the difference?"   
"Hell, I don't know!"   
"If you can say 'hell', can I?"   
"No."   
"Why?"   
"You're too impressionable, that's why."   
"But I'm going to grow up and say that word anyway."   
"Not if you're good."   
"But _you're_ saying that word."   
"Maybe I'm doing it to trick you."   
"Why would you trick yourself?" asked Young Link.   
"Because… it's late. Go to bed."   
"No. I want to find out about my life."   
"Okay…"   
"Have you ever had sex?"   
"WHAT? You're too young to be asking that. Besides, it's none of your business."   
"Yes it is. I'm you."   
"No you're not."   
"Yes I am. Don't you remember having this argument once?"   
"Um… vaguely."   
"Well, then, how many fingers am I holding up?"   
"I don't know."   
"I don't know either. See? I am you. So, do I ever get to do it?"   
"NO!"   
"Is there anyone I'm going to have a crush on?"   
Link sighed. "Fine. There's one person you'll think is kind of cute, it's…" 

Kirby was walking through the hallways, attempting to swallow two princesses.   
Zelda and Peach were struggling, trying to get out.   
Ness ran up.   
"Kirby!" he said. "Mewtwo just told me that Pikachu told him that Marth told him that Popo told him that Young Link told him that Link has a crush on Zelda!"   
Kirby laughed out loud, accidentally spitting Zelda and Peach out of the window.   
"And guess what?"   
"What?" said Kirby.   
"Link thinks he can kill his younger self! Is he stupid or what?"   
Ness and Kirby laughed together, suddenly best of friends. 

Mario and Luigi were taking a night time stroll outside the mansion when they heard screams. They looked up and saw Peach falling down.   
The both caught Peach.   
"I'm so glad I have the Mario Brothers to save me," cooed Peach.   
Zelda landed face first on the ground.   
"Where's Link when you need him?" she said.   
Young Link ran past, closely followed by Link. "You dirty kid!" shouted Link. "I am so going to stab you when I get you!"   
"Link has a girl-friend!" sang Young Link, running past.   
"Why couldn't someone with a _life_ save Hyrule for once?" murmured Zelda. 

Kirby ran up to Jigglypuff. "Hi!" he said.   
"Jiggly?" said Jigglypuff. The round thingy usually ran away from her.   
"Jigglypuff, Ness just told me that Mewtwo just told him that Link has a girlfriend! It's Zelda!"   
_"Really?"_ thought Jigglypuff. "Puh?" she said.   
"What does that mean?" said Kirby.   
"Jig jig jiggly!" said Jigglypuff. (Translated: 'that's interesting!')   
"I don't understand."   
"Puff – jig – jiggly puff puff!" ('You must be deaf.')   
Kirby, completely confused, wandered away.   
Jigglypuff stood there, contemplating. Link was in love with Zelda? How romantic. Jigglypuff could almost _feel_ the romance in the air tonight. Perhaps other people would fall in love tonight too. And they would live happily ever after. How sweet.   
Wait!   
Jigglypuff realised: everyone was unwell after they tried Zelda's magic soup. So they wouldn't talk to each other. So they wouldn't fall in love tonight! And they'd live… no happyishly ever after? Antihappily ever after? Sadly ever after?   
"_Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!_" thought Jigglypuff, smiling.   
She must be the only person who realised this. Who could she confide in? Who would believe her? Who would understand her?   
Come to think of it, who had ever understood what she was saying?   
a) Ness   
b) Mewtwo   
c) herself   
Hmm. Well, Ness had a weird name, so he couldn't help. And Mewtwo was a Pokemon! Jigglypuff knew that Pokemon never did anything right. A cherry told her so.   
Which left herself. Well, Jigglypuff would have to save the world today. But she couldn't do it like this! Oh, no.   
Jigglypuff ran into a store cupboard and evolved into…   
Love-jigglypuff! (Jigglypuff wearing a pot on her head.)   
Jigglypuff ran off to save the poor Smashers. 

Kirby was walking to his bedroom when a big, blue penguin in a royal outfit and who bore a remarkable resemblance to King Dedede walked past him.   
_"Was it Dedede?"_ wondered Kirby. He decided that it couldn't possibly be. Perhaps it was a penguin going to the North Pole.   
Kirby continued on to his bedroom.   
This mansion was nice, but he wanted to go back to Pop Star again.   
"_Are there ice creams at the North Pole?_" wondered Kirby.   
Kirby ran off after the penguin. 

Young Link dodged three knives, and dived sideways into an air conditioning vent.   
"Come out of there **now**, you ----ing pig!" said Link.   
"You're insulting yourself!"   
"Come out now!"   
"You can't stand there forever!"   
"Oh, why not?"   
"Because you'll die if you stand there too long!"   
"Then so will you!" said Link.   
"But you'll die first," said Young Link.   
"How can I die first? What's happening to me will happen to you! You'll die first!"   
"But you're me."   
"Then we die together!"   
"No, you die alone," said Young Link.   
"What?"   
"There's only one of us."   
"But there's two of us," Link said.   
"No, one."   
"Look," said Link, " come out here and I'll talk to you rationally and punish you fairly."   
"Really?"   
"No."   
"Then I won't come out."   
"If you stay in there too long, you'll die," said Link.   
"You'll die first."   
"You just said I was you."   
Jigglypuff sneaked behind Link and went into Marth's room. Marth was one of her **best friends**. At least, according to her.   
With all her strength, Jigglypuff picked Marth up. Now, how to make her **best friend** find true love?   
Jigglypuff decided that she would just dump Marth in Samus' room. Samus wouldn't mind, because Samus was also Jigglypuff's **best friend**.   
Jigglypuff snuck into Samus' room, still holding Marth, and gently placed Marth next to Samus. Samus would be soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo pleased when she woke up! Jigglypuff, very proud of herself, snuck out of the room. Via the window. And fell. Out of the window. 

Zelda, the Mario Bros., and Peach were still out on their quiet night time stroll when Yoshi walked by.   
"Hi Yoshi, old friend," said Mario.   
"Yoshi!" said Yoshi (translated: 'yoshi!').   
Zelda whispered a random comment about stallions to Peach. They both giggled.   
A loud shriek resonated from Samus' room.   
"No!" shouted Marth. "I didn't sneak in here! Aah! Let me go! MY LEGS! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"   
A flaming body fell out of Samus' window.   
"That's-a unusual," said Luigi.   
"Hey baby," shouted Captain Falcon from his room. "Maybe you need someone like me to hug while you sleep."   
Captain Falcon's room exploded.   
"Samus really is too tense," said Peach. "Maybe I should teach her yoga."   
"You don't-a know yoga," said Mario.   
Peach pulled out a golf club from inside her nightdress and waved it threateningly.   
"I mean-a, you are a yoga master," corrected Mario.   
Peach smiled a really cute smile and instead hit Yoshi with the golf club, repeatedly.   
Mario gasped. "Don't-a hit Yoshi! He's-a… uh…"   
"Yoshi!" said Yoshi happily. 

"You can't stay there forever," said Link.   
"Of course not. I have to come out, otherwise I'll never become big and ugly and stupid," said Young Link.   
Link got out a bomb. This had gone too far. 

Jigglypuff was ecstatic. This would be the most romantic night ever and it would be for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever!   
Hmm. Her **best friend** Captain Falcon was not being lucky in love. Jigglypuff went into his room.   
How odd. It looked as if a psychotic bounty hunter had blown it up. Captain Falcon was asleep on the ground.   
"_Maybe,_" thought Jigglypuff, "_Captain Falcon and Samus aren't meant to be. Maybe Captain Falcon hasn't met that someone special yet._"   
With all her might, she picked up Captain Falcon and walked to another room. He would be in for a special treat tomorrow! Because tonight was a magical night of love and romance and flying ponies… 

"Pika pi!" whispered Pikachu. Translated, that means: _"Quick, follow me."_   
"Pichu!" said Pichu. That means: _"I'm Pichu!"_   
"Ka-chu pi pichu! Pika pi chu!" _"I **know** you're Pichu. Follow me NOW!"_   
The two electric Pokemon snuck out of their room.   
"Pikachu, chu chu?" _"Are we going to get on a train, Pikachu?"_   
"Pika chu pichu chu, pi kachu chukka ka ka pika pi, pi ka; pi piki; pi-chu chu! Ka pika; pika pika pi pi pika pi!" _"No."_   
Pikachu and Pichu snuck through the hallways. They knew exactly where they were going.   
"Pika!" whispered Pikachu! Footsteps! Pikachu and Pichu ducked down.   
Jigglypuff walked past, humming to herself and pulling Mewtwo, who was in a state of deep trance.   
Jigglypuff decided that Mewtwo should fall in love with Kirby, because, after all, Kirby had red shoes. So Mewtwo and Kirby live happily ever after. She gracefully threw Mewtwo into Kirby's room. Wait! Where was Kirby? Would Kirby and Mewtwo fall in love? Would peace be restored to the world? Would evil prevail? Would she get a life? 

Kirby continued to follow the penguin through the mansion. It wasn't slowing down. He supposed he would have to ask.   
"Mr Penguin?" said Kirby.   
The big blue penguin who bore a remarkable resemblance to Kirby's nemesis King Dedede turned around. "Yes?"   
"Do you have any ice cream?"   
"Why… er… certainly, Kirby."   
"Can I have it?"   
"Just step into here and I'll give you some," said the penguin.   
Kirby followed the penguin into the menacing room from which spooky noises were emanating, ignoring the warning signs posted in 28 different languages. 

The explosion blew Link and Link through 2 doors, 7 walls and Jigglypuff before they landed on the ground in front of the Mario Bros., Zelda, Peach, and Marth.   
"Have you two been arguing again?" said Peach to Link and Young Link. "That's just stupid. You shouldn't expect other people to have to do what you say. Not even if you're responsible for the well-being of your kingdom. Not even if you do have handsome blond hair!" Strangely enough, they both ignored her.   
"Well," said Luigi. "I suppose you two have learnt-a your lesson. If you're going-a to attempt to murder a younger incarnation of yourself-a, don't-a try to do it using a bomb."   
"Yes," said Young Link. "I'll remember that."   
"No you won't," said Link. "If you remembered that, then I wouldn't have tried."   
"Maybe you ignored it."   
"Maybe you're stupid."   
Young Link pulled out a bomb and lit it. 

Pikachu and Pichu quietly made their way to the electrical power station super weapon death ray laser beam room. You see, they were heading there… because… they had lost… um… their minds… and left them there?   
The point is that they were heading to a room where nobody would notice if they fought to the death with **deadly electric rays**.   
In case you can't tell, they were going there so that they could fight to the death with **deadly electric rays**.   
They had almost made it! It was just down the hallway.   
Suddenly, loud noises came from right behind them. They jumped into a convenient vase, and listened to voices of people running past them.   
"Aaah!" came a voice which sounded like Zelda. "Why does the saviour of Hyrule have to be so stupid?"   
"I'm sorry, miss. I didn't mean to light that bomb."   
"Keep-a running! The further we are from the bomb-a, the safer!" said Mario.   
"Oops," said Young Link.   
"YOU'RE STILL HOLDING THE BOMB?" said Zelda.   
"I forgot to throw it away," said Young Link.   
"Then throw it NOW!" said Marth.   
"Um, okay," said Young Link, throwing the deadly bomb into a conveniently placed vase.   
They all ran off.   
"Pika pi pi pichuka," said Pikachu. _"They're gone."_   
"Pichu chu pichu!" _"Look! I have a ball!"_   
"Pichu, pika chu chuuuuu pika ka ka ka?" _"Pichu, why does it look like a bomb?"_

"Jigglypuff!" said Jigglypuff. She was sooooooooooooo proud of herself for making everyone live happily ever after. She supposed that she had better get back to bed.   
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" screamed Link, Young Link, Mario, Luigi, Marth, Zelda, and Peach, running together and tripping over Jigglypuff.   
_"How odd,"_ thought Jigglypuff. She could have sworn she heard something. 

Pikachu and Pichu, after some discussion, decided that it was indeed a bomb which they were sitting next to.   
"Pika…" said Pikachu. _"Wait…"_

"Ooh," said Peach. "Fireworks!" 

When Kirby had followed the big blue penguin into the electrical power station super weapon death ray laser beam room, the penguin had stopped.   
"Now can I have ice cream?" he asked.   
The big blue penguin who bore a remarkable resemblance to Kirby's rival King Dedede (hint: hint) turned around and laughed evilly. "So, Kirby, you thought you could get away with consistently embarrassing me. I brought a few friends of mine. They're going to teach you a lesson."   
"What about the ice cream?"   
"That was just a ruse, to lure you into this trap. We're going to electrocute you. And maybe then we'll dump you into a pot of marbles. You see, I don't like it when people question my authority. You've done that one too many times. This time, I've learnt my lesson. Now you shall learn yours!"   
King Dedede (yes, the penguin was indeed King Dedede. Are you surprised?) pulled out a giant mallet and waved it, aiming at the top of Kirby's head. "Any last words, Kirby?"   
"So no ice cream?"   
"NO! I ALREADY TOLD YOU… oh, never mind. Is there anything remotely cool you want to say before I destroy your reputation?"   
"Aren't you going to… you know, kill me?"   
"No. Once we're done with you, I'll draw glasses on your face with permanent marker."   
"Mr Penguin, permanent marker washes off."   
"No it doesn't, it's permanent!"   
"But I use this new brand of detergent. It washes off everything!"   
"We'll see about that…"   
Three hundred of King Dedede's sub-intelligent minions suddenly attacked Kirby.   
_"Mmm…"_ thought Kirby. _"Fast food…"_

_Forty-six seconds later…_   
Kirby inhaled a fireball to become – FIRE KIRBY!   
Kirby inhaled a giant boulder to become – STONE KIRBY!   
Kirby inhaled two rat-like Pokemon who had just run into the room to become – ELECTRIC KIRBY!   
Amidst all the confusion, King Dedede quietly slipped out. 

"Oh," said Mario. "It's-a Jigglypuff."   
"Jigglypuff!" said Jigglypuff.   
"Excuse me, little girl," said Marth. "What are you doing out of your room this time of night?"   
Jigglypuff considered for a moment, then replied: "Puff jig jigglypuffy puffy puff jig jiggly jig jig jiglly jiggly jiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig, jiggly jigglypuff puff puh-jig jig, jigpuff jigglypuff igglybuff wigglytuff jiggly iggly pu puff puh puff jig puff puh puff puff jig puff pupuff jiggly jiggly jiggly puffy jig puffy gly puffy guff puffy puffy puffy jiggly jipuff puff jipijuff puff jig tuff puff puffy tuffy jiggly piggly iggly jig jig puff puff jiggly puff, jiggly igglybuff jig jig jig jig jigglypuff puff! Jig puff jiggly, Jigglypuff!"   
Translated: _"There was love in the air but the love was going to die so I had to make people fall in love with the magic of the bedroom and then I dragged a few people into each other's rooms including Marth which is you because you had to fall in love and if you didn't the night would be ruined and we would all be unhappy for ever after! And I'm not a little girl, I'm Jigglypuff!"_   
"What did that mean?" wondered Marth.   
"I think she's hungry," said Young Link. "Let's go to the kitchen -"   
"Oh, no you don't," said Peach. "It's been a late night."   
"Yeah," said Link. "What we need is beer -"   
"Excuse me?" said Zelda.   
"- and… er… undying love. For you. Zelda."   
Peach smiled. "How sweet."   
Zelda slapped Link in the face and bodily threw him down a stairwell. 

Just as Kirby was swallowing the last Waddle Dee, the electrical power station super weapon death ray laser beam room exploded.   
"Oops?" Kirby said. 

The lights went out.   
"Just my luck. Now I'll never find my way back to my bedroom," said Peach. "I'll probably end up having to sleep on the couch – or wake up early!" Peach and Zelda shivered, imagining such horrifying horrors.   
"Don't-a worry, Princess Peach. Here, I'll show you the way," said Mario, grabbing Peach's hand and leading her to where he thought the door was, but which actually was a hole in the ground. (See previous chapter where Yoshi gets stuck in a flamethrower and explodes, unfortunately failing to die) "Pika…" moaned Pikachu, stumbling along drunkenly along with Pichu as if they both had just been eaten alive by Kirby. Which, coincidentally had happened.   
"Ah!" said Luigi. "The ghosts are here!" He pulled out a vacuum cleaner.   
"The sooner I get back to Hyrule without Link, the better," said Zelda. "I think I'm going mad. Don't you agree, invisible pony?"   
And so the Smashers ended another eventful day, filled with fun and violence and candy. 

_Next time: will Jigglypuff die? Will the power consistently refuse to work? Will Bowser kidnap Peach in an attempt to destroy the Mario Brothers but inadvertently be defeated by them? Do you care?_   



	4. Tricking plumbers and pretty lights

**SUMMER DAYS**

Disclaimer: I do not own Nintendo, or any Nintendo characters such as the ones in this story. If you have any, please send them to me. However, I own the rights to the name GameSpheroid™, so I'll cash in on that as much as humanly possible. 

**Chapter 4**

The star F-Zero champion Captain Falcon woke up.   
"Odd," he said. "This isn't my room."   
He thought about that for a moment.   
"Oh well," he said.   
He collapsed back into the unfamiliar bed.   
_"Wait…"_ Falcon thought.   
He turned to his side and saw whose bed he was in.   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" said Captain Falcon in absolute shock.   
"Mmph… what?" said the person who Captain Falcon had woken up next to.   
"Not you!" said Captain Falcon.   
Bowser opened his eyes. "Morning, Captain. What are you doing in my bed – oh."   
Silence.   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" said Bowser. "HELP! CAPTAIN FALCON IS IN MY BED!"   
"Look, Bowser. I don't know how the heck I ended up here. Really."   
Bowser cried, "Help! Captain Falcon is hitting on me! Someone! The scary man wants to hurt me! Mommy! Mommy! Oh, please help…" Bowser jumped out of his bed and made for the door.   
Captain Falcon was shocked. "You're that easily scared? But Bowser, you're the evil monster out to kill Mario! Why should I scare you?"   
Bowser stopped and turned around. "Good point," he snarled.   
Bowser moved back towards C. Falcon.   
"What you just heard… I can't let you tell anyone," said Bowser.   
"Er… I think… maybe the whole 'nice' thing really suits you," said Captain Falcon desperately.   
"You do?"   
"Yes… er… you were kind of… cute like that?"   
"Aha! You really did get into my bed!"   
"No, no! I meant that -"   
Bowser lunged. 

"Good morning," said Princess Peach cheerily, indeed, **so cheerily that if you heard her you would instantly have felt happy happy happy or have gone raving mad with a desire to rip out her throat to shut her up**.   
Fortunately, Ness, who had just walked into the giant cathedral-sized dining hall, was too far away to hear Peach, so he did not **instantly feel happy happy happy or go raving mad with a desire to rip out her throat to shut her up**. Instead, he walked several light years, finally reaching the table and getting himself some Ollie's Oatmeal ("Ollie's Oatmeal - It's the best choice for psychic pre-teen male geniuses who wear an annoying baseball cap all the time!"), some scrambled egg, milk, apple juice, and a cup of sugar.   
"Young man, do you really need all that sugar?" said Peach sternly.   
"Sugar…" said Ness, hypnotized by the thought of all that sugar. He snapped out of it. "What?"   
"Here, try this porridge. I made it myself."   
Ness decided that even if Peach was a princess he was not going to die eating toxic waste, and accordingly refused.   
"Come on, Ness. It's good for you," said Peach.   
"Um… I've been eating too much good stuff… so I need unhealthy stuff to balance it out…"   
"Well, then, how about this deep fried piece of charcoal?"   
"No thanks."   
"Young man, do you have something against my cooking?"   
Ness gulped. Should he be honest, or lie to Peach? His amazingly fast mind made millions of calculations, and he made his decision.   
"Well, Princess, it's not that I like your food, it's that – look! It's Roy! Isn't he good looking?"   
Princess Peach turned around, looking in all directions. "Where? Where?"   
"Right there! Can't you see him?" said Ness, starting to eat.   
Peach ran off in no particular direction.   
"Ah! He's trying to murder me!" said Captain Falcon, running through the hall, being closely followed by a vicious looking Bowser.   
Ness finished his high-high-high sugar cereal in exactly 2π seconds (he counted), and decided to get himself another couple of bowls (each bowl would have been about the size of his head). 

Jigglypuff walked into the pool hall (which was missing a pool table and equipment), quietly singing to herself a soothing lullaby of peace, happiness and utter predictability.   
Mewtwo walked in. _"Morning, Jigglypuff. Do you know who put me into Kirby's room? I woke up and the puffball was trying to eat me alive."_   
Jigglypuff thought about that. With absolute sincerity, she shook her head.   
_"I wonder why I even asked,"_ thought Mewtwo. _"Even if she saw anything, she's far too stupid to notice."_   
He glided gracefully out of the room.   
Kirby walked into the room. "Hi!" he said. "Jigg, have you seen Mewtwo? Mmm… Mewtwo… have you seen him?"   
Jigglypuff, who was a very honest Jigglypuff, shook her head.   
"Oh well," said Kirby. "I'll have to find him later. Mmm… Mewtwo… Oh, what's this?" Kirby pointed at a magazine Jigglypuff seemed to be reading upside down.   
Jigglypuff, who couldn't remember how to read, gave it to Kirby. Kirby flipped through it, stopping at one page.   
"Ooh…" said Kirby.   
Jigglypuff came over to look.   
"Ooh…" said Jigglypuff.   
"Ah! He's trying to hit on me!" screamed Bowser, running through the room, closely followed by Captain Falcon.   
"Wow," said Kirby. "It looks amazing. Look at the high speeds!"   
"Jig jig jiggly!" _"Look at the pretty lights!"_   
"And what about that render quality? That's gotta be top of the line!"   
"Jig jig jiggly!" _"Look at the pretty lights!"_   
Kirby turned the page. "Wow. Look at the price tag on that. This we **have** to get!"   
"Jig jig jiggly!" _"Look at the pretty lights!"_   
"What does that mean?"   
"Puh." _"Duh."_   
"And what does that mean?"   
"Jigglypuff!" said Jigglypuff, who was now utterly confused.   
Kirby shrugged. "Come on, Jig. Let's go and ask one of the adults. Preferably the gullible ones." 

In the turnip garden, Ness walked up to Zelda. "Hi, Zelda!" he said.   
"Wha-? Oh, hi Ness," said Zelda.   
"I'm worried that our lives may be meaningless."   
"Really?"   
"Yes. We're just here, wasting our lives on sitting around wreaking havoc when we could be back at our own daily lives."   
"Indeed," said Zelda, sitting down. "But how do you suggest we improve the situation? Master Hand isn't letting us go."   
"At least come up with something worthwhile; enjoyable; a life experience to help us pass the time."   
"Like what?" asked Zelda.   
At that precise moment, Kirby and Jigglypuff walked by, and Ness psychotelepathically sensed the amazing miracle they were thinking about.   
"I know!" said Ness. "Let's get a GameSpheroid™!"   
"A what?" said Zelda.   
"It's a brand new console that runs games 32768 times as fast as any other!" explained Ness. "It hit shelves about 6 minutes ago!"   
"No," said Zelda. "You children are impressionable. You'll go out and buy violent games or stupid games or decent games and it will warp your minds."   
"No it won't," said Ness.   
"Yes it will. You're too stupid to tell the difference between reality and this… er… warped reality."   
"I'm not stupid!"   
"Yes, you are."   
"I'm smarter than you ever will be!"   
"That doesn't change anything."   
"Doesn't that make you really stupid, Zelda?"   
"No, it doesn't."   
"Why not?" said Ness.   
"Look, if you play violent games, you'll grow up to be a violent genius. Like in that movie where the mad scientist takes over the world."   
"Which one?"   
"I don't know! But look at all the adults in the Smash Mansion. We never played all those gory video games, and now we lead lives which are respectable, peaceful, -"   
"Boring," muttered Ness.   
"- pacifist, happy and decent," said Zelda.   
Bowser crashed through the roof of the room. A gloved hand which might have belonged to an F-Zero racer stuck out from under him. "Sorry, ma'am," he said, politely dragging the unconscious Captain Falcon out of the room.   
"I'm sorry, what did you say?" said Ness.   
Zelda growled, and fished around her dress for a dagger. Damn, where had she put it? 

**--begin flashback--**   
Zelda stabbed Link in the back.   
"Traitor! Backstabber!" cried Link.   
Link ran off to the conveniently placed medical ward, with the dagger still in his back. 

**--end flashback--**

"Hey! Look at this, Luigi!" said Falco, flipping through the pages of a library book, _How to Trick Italian Plumbers_.   
"What-a?" said Luigi, coming over to look.   
"Read this line here," said Falco, pointing.   
"Uh… okay. 'Please read the line below' – okay – 'please read the line above again – please read the line below – please read the line above again'…"   
Kirby, Pikachu and Jigglypuff ran up to Falco.   
"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?" said Kirby.   
"What?" said Falco, slowly reaching for his blaster. You never knew with kids these days…   
"Mmm… Falco… er, I mean, can we borrow sixty five thousand five hundred and thirty five dollars and ninety-nine cents to get a GameSpheroid with?"   
Falco, who had turned back to face Luigi, ignored Kirby. "Really?"   
"What?" said Kirby.   
"Mm-hmm."   
"So can we get the money?"   
"If you say so."   
Kirby, Pikachu and Jigglypuff quickly ran to Falco's stash of credits, and plucked exactly $65536 out. (Kirby planned to use the extra cent to buy a candy-flavoured lollipop.) 

"Okay, okay," said Bowser. "Let's pretend for a moment that you're straight."   
"I _am_ straight!" protested Captain Falcon.   
"No you aren't."   
"I am!"   
"Then why do you keep hitting on Samus?"   
"You mean… Samus is a man?"   
"Yes," said Bowser.   
Captain Falcon stared wide-eyed into empty space.   
"Ha ha ha! I was just kidding! You idiot!"   
"That's not funny at all, Bowser," said Captain Falcon, sulking like a girl.   
"Yes it is! You should have seen the look on your face! Oh, wait…" Bowser pulled out a digital camera and showed it to Captain Falcon.   
Captain Falcon gasped. "I looked like that?"   
"Yep."   
"Er… what were you saying?"   
"Captain Falcon, if you didn't try to get into my bed, then how did you get there?"   
"I don't know… wind?" guessed C. Falcon.   
"I think someone must have put you into my bed."   
"Oh… I see where this is going…" said Captain Falcon.   
"Really?" said Bowser, who knew that the chances of C. Falcon guessing who he was thinking of were below zero.   
"It's Samus, isn't it?"   
Bowser gasped. "That's exactly what I was thinking!"   
"You're surprised I guessed right?"   
"No, I'm surprised that you're fat."   
Captain Falcon stared in shock. Bowser pulled out the digital camera and took another photo. "_Of course_ I'm surprised you guessed someone who might even possibly be the mystery person. After all, you're really stupid."   
"Hey, is that an insult?"   
"No."   
"Okay."   
"Right."   
"Right," said Captain Falcon.   
"I think that Samus tried to embarrass you by putting you into my bed. She _thought_ I'd tell everyone. But I'm smart. I can see right through her little plan."   
"You can?" said Captain Falcon, shocked.   
Samus walked in, saying "Morning, Bowser. Morning… oh, it's just you. Have any of you been able to get the electricity to work this morning? Everything's shorted out. And the newspaper says that there'll be a giant heat wave in a few hours."   
"Don't try to change the subject," said Bowser.   
"What?" said Samus.   
"We know what you did," said Captain Falcon.   
"What do you think I did, boys?"   
"Well," said Bowser. "After you blew up Captain Falcon's room for no particular reason last night, you decided to embarrass him by making it look like he's homosexual, when he obviously is after you. So you took Captain Falcon out of his room, dumped him into my room, and went back to yours. You then waited until the morning when I woke up, hoping that I would spread the rumour that Captain Falcon is gay. But _it didn't work_, Samus. You see, after I was worn out from removing Captain Falcon's left eye forcefully, I stopped to think about it, and realised what you had done. So ha!"   
"Yeah, like he said," said Captain Falcon, unable to think of what to say.   
Silence.   
"Are you trying to hit on me?" said Samus.   
"Don't play games with us, babe," said Captain Falcon. "That's not to say that you can't play games with me, 'cause I'd love it if you'd play games with me, the fun sort of game, in bed, of course, but I mean that I don't want you to play the sort of games that make people confused, kind of like mind games except more lying-like, if you know what I mean, babe."   
"What?"   
"Ignore him," said Bowser, placing a giant paw in front of Captain Falcon's mouth. "The point is, we know what you did. And I'd like to blackmail you for it. Give me lots of money. Lots of it."   
"And take off that suit," mumbled Captain Falcon through the claws lodged in his throat.   
"For goodness sake, I did not _do_ whatever you think I did! I spent last night sleeping. You know?" Samus pantomimed sleeping in case they needed a visual aid. "Besides, why would I care about that piece of dirt -" she pointed at Captain Falcon – "enough to drag him out of his room at night? He's not worth it!"   
Samus shot a super missile at them, and stormed out of the mansion and out into the grounds. 

"Look, Ness," said Zelda. "I don't care how much you beg, but there's no point! If we let you get that GameSpheroid™, you might have fun! And let me tell you something, growing up is not about having fun! It's about discipline, patience and building character."   
Ness interrupted. "But you just said -"   
"I don't care what I just said! Circumstances have changed!"   
"In the last forty-two seconds?"   
"Yes." Zelda looked around and saw Samus Aran. "Samus! Do _you_ think that it's a good idea to let these kids have fun and waste their childhoods on enjoyment while we have to live with the fact that our lives weren't as good?"   
"Mm-hmm," said Samus distractedly, as she wondered whether or not she could lock Captain Falcon and Ridley in a room together.   
"SAMUS!"   
"What?" said Samus, looking at Zelda.   
"Should we allow these young impressionable minds be tainted with emotion, violence, far-fetchedness, gore, horror and death?"   
"Yes," said Samus sincerely, and went back to imagining Captain Falcon being strapped to the F-Zero track in Mute City.   
Zelda stormed off angrily, muttering "drastic action… I'm going to call a meeting at once… I need support of the adults who haven't lost their minds… sensible, non-violent people… need to get that dagger back from Link…"   
Ness and Samus watched her go.   
"What's her problem?" said Samus.   
Ness utilized his psychic powers. "She thinks that the kids, Pokemon and Captain Falcon are getting out of hand. And she wants to kill us all while we're taking a shower."   
Samus nodded, not really caring.   
"Samus? Couldn't you just strap him to the back of the Great Fox's engines and launch it? It would be a heck of a lot easier than the whole elephant stampede thing."   
"Ness, that is a brilliant idea!" exclaimed Samus, running off to put it down on paper before she forgot. Captain Falcon would be sorry he ever flirted with her…   
Nana ran up to Ness, shouting words which Ness hoped were Japanese.   
"You --insert Japanese--! _You cheated last night! You're a dirty rotten cheater and you think you can --insert Japanese-- get away with it!_ Well, I'm not playing blackjack with you ever again. Ever!"   
"What about poker?"   
"Okay… wait! You'll --insert Japanese-- cheat again." Nana produced a giant plank of wood with a rusty nail through it, and aimed…   
Desperately trying to escape the psycho chick, Ness said "Nana, have you heard? There's a new games console out."   
"Really?" said Nana, pausing in mid-strike. The nail could only have been two nanometres from Ness' head.   
"Yes, really. It's called the GameSpheroid™. It's supposed to be really good. The GameSpheroid™ is supposed to run much faster and with higher quality than any non-GameSpheroid™ games console. And apparently all the other games companies are selling illegal fingernails!"   
"Is Master Hand going to install a power point for it?" said Nana.   
"Who cares? The point is, Zelda will blow us to Mars if we buy it. Literally."   
"But we're getting it anyway, right?"   
"Yep."   
"Cool…" said Nana, dreaming of being blown to Mars by a princess. 

"Uh… 'please read the line below – please read the line above again – please read the line below – please read the line above again – please read the line below…'" said Luigi.   
"Wait!" said Falco.   
"What?" said Luigi. "Now you've-a made me lose-a my place!"   
"Kirby, Pikachu and that dumb pink thing…" said Falco. "They just said they were going to buy a flashy games console!"   
"Really?"   
"And they didn't tell me!"   
"Yes they did-a, they did when I started reading that-a very interesting story."   
Falco stood up and brushed dust off his clothes. "Those kids aren't going to get away with this. I'm going to stop them right now! They'll never see the light of day again. Until they go outside. But that's beside the point. They'll wish they hadn't messed with me!"   
"They-a didn't mess-a with you -"   
"Yes they did. Now, read this sentence."   
"Er… okay. 'This sentence is wrong.' Okay… wait… but… but… that can't-a be… but.."   
Falco pulled out his blaster and headed for the door. "Join me when you're done," he said, knowing full well that Luigi would be there for at least an hour.   
"Okay! I'll-a see you. But… it can't… so it's right… but then…"   
Falco ran out, leaving Luigi to ponder the mysteries of _How to Trick Italian Plumbers_. 

"Okay, here's the plan," said Kirby. "Jigglypuff, you run in and distract the adults. Pikachu and I will run out of the Smash Mansion grounds, and then we'll buy the GameSpheroid™. It's foolproof. The only way it could go wrong would be if someone like Zelda knew that we want a GameSpheroid™ and called all her friends together to stop us from leaving the grounds." 

Zelda knew the Pokemon and kids wanted a GameSpheroid™, so she had called all of the adults she could trust. "We have to make sure they don't leave the grounds," she said, leading them outside. 

"Got it?" said Kirby.   
"Jigglypuff!" said Jigglypuff.   
"I hope that means yes," said Kirby.   
"Pika pi!" said Pikachu. He and Kirby headed outside.   
Jigglypuff ran to the room where all the adults usually talked in at this time of morning (6am). "Jigglypuff!" she said, and began he ultimate distracting dance routine! Cartwheel! "Jiggly!" Jump! Somersault! Backflip! Leer! Sing! Duck! Break dance! Kick! Techno music! Play the viola! Jump! Hop! "Jig – guh – ly – puff!" Somersault! Twist! Contort! Jumping 1024 degree pirouette! Duck! Attempt to fly! Pose! Fighter stance!   
Jigglypuff finally noticed that the room was empty.   
Not good.   
Oh no! Maybe the plan had gone wrong! "_Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!_" thought Jigglypuff, smiling.   
She had to warn the others! Without fear, Jigglypuff bounded out of the room! Via the window. And fell. Out of the window. 

**To be continued (or possibly discontinued, depending on whether the author decides that the story is not worth continuing)**   



	5. The holy blackberry

**SUMMER DAYS**

Disclaimer: I own Jigglypuff. Or at least, I'd like to. My brother agrees that she'd be useful for scaring off hawkers and door-to-door salesmen. But really, I don't own any Nintendo characters. If I did, I can assure you I'd be suing Nintendo right now, not writing some cheap, shoddy, lame story. starts crying 

**Chapter 5**

Ness psychically sensed that Kirby and Pikachu and that round balloon thingy were in big trouble. Zelda, Fox McCloud, Link, Roy and Mario were heading their way. If Ness' friends were caught, his chances of getting a legal GameSpheroid™ were minimal.   
Ness used his psychic powers to summon Young Link. 

Young Link randomly decided to head towards a bush in the front lawn. 

Ness waited impatiently until Young Link arrived inside the bush. "Quick," Ness said. "The adults are going to stop us from getting a GameSpheroid™!"   
"The adults are going to stop us from – what?" said Young Link.   
"A GameSpheroid™. It's the latest revolution in the history of game consoles. Apparently there's only a 25 chance that it will combust when you first open the packaging, unlike all those other brands which have a 50 chance. It runs stuff **up to** 3 gazillion times as fast, and it has cool-looking blinking lights!"   
Young Link gasped. "They won't let us get the cool flashing lights?"   
"That's right! We have to stop them NOW!"   
Young Link and Ness burst out of the small bush and readied themselves for combat. They could endure those "soooo cute" talks from the adult Smashers. But preventing them from getting some overpriced console? This meant war… 

Donkey Kong was bored. So bored indeed that even breathing made the day seem lively. "_Must… get back… to jungle… and kidnap beautiful young… bananas…"_ he thought.   
He wandered towards the giant cathedral sized dining hall. Perhaps he could grab a bit of food and throw some at Mario… yeah, he would. Preferably something large, like an uncooked uncut live steak.   
But, alas!, it was too late. Popo was in the process of eating a steak. That, or cereal. But the point is, Donkey Kong saw a small tempting hostage sitting right in front of him. Who people vaguely cared about. If he could get Popo _and_ Nana, he might be able to auction them off on e-Bay for a decent princess. It had been so long…   
Popo looked up. "Morning, DK," he said. "What are you doing with that big mallet?"   
Donkey Kong aimed carefully.   
Bowser and Captain Falcon walked into the hall. "Morning, DK," said Bowser. "Why are you about to hit that kid with a mallet?"   
"SHUT UP!" said Donkey Kong, watching Popo running away. He gave chase.   
"Some people are so touchy," said Captain Falcon. "Fancy telling us to shut up!"   
"That's nice. Now shut up," replied Bowser. "Samus wants you."   
"Yeah, right," said Captain Falcon. "Then why doesn't she stop hitting me and start hitting on me?"   
"She's playing hard to get. Now I can help you. You see, I am the world's first expert on hitting on all kinds of women," said Bowser modestly.   
"So you'll help me?"   
"Mmm-hmm. Come with me. I'll show you how it's done."   
Bowser and Captain Falcon left the room together. "Now first, you'll want to be wearing tight fitting clothes. Someone as buff as you…" 

Mewtwo and Marth were sitting together, laughing. "I never realised Europeans were so stupid!" said Marth.   
_"They're not all like this. Just most of them. Now SHUT UP AND WATCH BEFORE I TEAR YOUR THROAT OUT!"_ thought Mewtwo calmly.   
"Stop asking me to! Please? Okay, okay!" said Luigi, reading from a book which Falco Lombardi had kindly lent to him. "Fine… 'Please turn the page upside down' – this is getting predictable – 'please turn the page upside down – please turn the page upside down…'"   
"Hey, Luigi!" said Marth. "Maybe you should skip to the next page…"   
"Thank-a you, that's a good idea!" said Luigi. He turned to the next page and began to read it.   
Just as Marth was getting comfortable, however, Mewtwo signalled to him. "What is it?" said Marth. "This is perfectly good entertainment!"   
_"You want entertainment, human? If we're quick, you're in for a treat."_   
"Okay," said Marth. "What do we do?"   
_"Head straight for the front lawn. I'll meet you there in a moment."_   
Marth ran out of the room, through the door, down the hall, one floor down, cutting through the kitchen…   
Marth fell two storeys through a hole in the ground. "Ow!" he said, looking up and making out the outline of burnt plaster. "Why is it so dark in here?" he said, looking around and seeing fused lights. "The power has seriously stuffed up. I'll have to get one of those tech-savvy kids to look at the mains."   
He ran the rest of the way, only tripping over Yoshi. 

Falco jogged through the dark halls of the smash mansion, listening through his headset to Luigi's running commentary of _How to Trick Italian Plumbers_. (Yes, he had bugged the room, and heard Marth and Mewtwo's intimate talk, which was also rather interesting.) "Those kids won't get away with this!" he said. "If they think they can steal money and use it to have fun, they've got a surprise coming to them…" 

Just as Marth arrived at the front door of the smash mansion, Mewtwo teleported right in front of him.   
_"We've just made it,"_ thought Mewtwo.   
"What's going on?" said Marth.   
_"Watch and see,"_ said Mewtwo. 

Kirby and Pikachu were army crawling across the front lawn, heading for the gates, when Jigglypuff ran up. "Jigglypuff puffy puff jig!" she cried.   
"What are you doing here?" said Kirby. "You've just ruined the plan! You're supposed to be distracting the adults!"   
"Puh…" said Jigglypuff exasperatedly, pointing across the lawn. Kirby and Pikachu turned to look.   
"Uh oh…" said Kirby, squinting into the distance and seeing fate itself.   
Zelda and a few of her friends were heading directly towards them. They seemed to be holding pitchforks and torches.   
"Pika pi pichu ka?" _"Are they after us?"_   
"What does that mean?" said Kirby. "We'd better move. They're after us!"   
They turned for the gates and saw Fox McCloud and Mario waiting for them. "It's an ambush!" cried Kirby. "We won't make it! What do we do?"   
"Pika pi pi pika ka ka ka!" _"We can fight them!"_   
"What does that mean? I know, we don't have to run! We can stay and fight!"   
"Pika pi pichu!" said Pikachu in an annoyed voice. _"I said that!"_   
"No you didn't," said Kirby, temporarily ignoring the fact that only Pichu, Mewtwo and Ness were able to interpret what Pikachu said well.   
"Jig jig puffly!" said Jigglypuff, dancing a bit.   
The adults charged. 

"You're right," said Marth. "This is way more interesting than looking at Lario wasting his life on join the dot puzzles. Way more interesting."   
_"His name is Luigi, not Lario, human fool!"_ raged Mewtwo.   
"Yeah, whatever. Mewtwo, why are you so touchy? Are you even capable of ignoring the slightest mistake? A minor misunderstanding? A mispronunciation? A _typo_?"   
"No," said Mewtwo, not taking his eyes off the front lawn.   
"Well, that explains a lot," said Marth. 

**Kirby, Pikachu, and Jigglypuff V.S. Mario, Zelda, Roy, Link and Fox**   
Kirby swivelled around to grab Fox, and threw him at Link. Pikachu danced around, sending streams of electricity everywhere.   
"Um, Pikachu, could you do me a favour?" said Kirby.   
"Pika pi?" said Pikachu. _"What?"_   
Kirby opened his mouth and inhaled Pikachu. _"Mmm… Pikachu…"_ he thought. _"Wait! He's on my side!"_ Kirby quickly swallowed. Pikachu randomly appeared next to Kirby.   
Kirby and Pikachu bombarded the incoming adults with electric attacks.   
Jigglypuff stood, watching the action. Maybe this would be the **perfect moment** to use her distraction routine to distract the adults! So… one, two, three, four: Cartwheel! "Puh!" Slide! Somersault! Twisting flip! Jump! Sing! Jump! Break dance! Kick! Rap music! Play the tuba! Jump! Hop! Duck! Attempt to fly! Pose! "Jig – guh – ly – puff!" Jumping 512 degree pirouette! Somersault! Twist! Contort! Fighter stance!   
Mario picked up Jigglypuff and gracefully threw her into a conveniently placed rake.   
"Jigglypuff!" said Jigglypuff, unsure what had just happened.   
As Kirby turned into a living fireball, he said "Pikachu! I don't think we can take them all! The five of them against the two of us! We can't win!"   
"Pika pi pi pika ka chu!" _"We're losing because you keep on stating the obvious like that! Stop it!"_

Donkey Kong made a running leap and grabbed Popo. "Ah ha!" he gloated. "Now I have you! I think I'll just hold you hostage!"   
Popo struggled to break free, but to no avail. "Why are you picking on me?" he said. "What did I ever do wrong?"   
"Nothing personal, kid. You were just at the wrong place at the wrong time. I think you're worth… maybe two thirds of a helpless maiden? I hear kids in Eskimo suits are all the rage right now."   
"Donkey Kong, you're a terrible person," said Popo. "Is that all there is to life for you? Kidnapping people and eating disgusting bananas?"   
"Don't diss bananas, kid…" growled DK menacingly.   
"But surely you'd get lots more satisfaction being useful and worthwhile to your fellow citizens?"   
"Hmm…" said Donkey Kong. He had never considered that before. Maybe he'd give this 'nice' thing a shot. Besides, helpless maidens were out of season right now. "Okay, kid. What do you suggest I do?"   
"Well, you always make such a mess at the table. Why don't you try washing the dishes?"   
"Washing the dishes?" said the ape in absolute astonishment.   
"Of course! After all, someone's got to wash them. What, did you think that little elves cast magic spells to clean them?"   
"Yes," admitted Donkey Kong. "I had no idea…" He began to cry.   
"Don't worry," said Popo. "You can still make up for your ignorance. By… DOING YOUR BIT FOR THE ENVIRONMENT!" he finished with a cheesy grin and a thumbs up directed to no one in particular.   
"What?" said Donkey Kong, wondering if Popo had gone mad.   
"Never mind. Follow me! We're going to the Enchanted Land of the Dishes!"   
"The kitchen?"   
"It sounds so crude when you put it that way," sulked Popo. 

Jigglypuff was thirsty. She wandered inside and into the kitchen for a cup of sugar water. (It was sugar water because Jigglypuff is sweet! Ha ha ha ha… that's your cue to laugh _with_ me, not _at_ me… ha ha… it's not working, is it?)   
When she went in, she encountered Bowser and Captain Falcon. Bowser was encouraging Captain Falcon to apply essence of vegetable (boiled cabbage) to his body. "It really adds to that shine," he explained. "It really enhances that buff look of yours… mmm… oh my, you are good looking… that is, to women… and not to me… because… er… I'm straight… you missed your left ear…"   
Jigglypuff walked between them and poured herself some lovely sugar water with a hint of sugar, and drank it all in a single gulp.   
"What is that noise?!" shouted Captain Falcon, spinning around. "Oh, it's just Donkey Kong doing something for us."   
He turned back to Bowser, who continued to apply massage oil onto Captain Falcon lovingly (not, of course, that Bowser enjoyed it, because he didn't. Really.)   
"Wait!" cried Captain Falcon, spinning around to face DK again. "You aren't the helpful kind! What are you up to?" he said suspiciously.   
Donkey Kong shrugged. "Just trying to find my purpose in life," he explained, finishing the last silver platter.   
"Great!" exclaimed Popo. "Now, let's see…"   
"What else can I do to help other people?" cried Donkey Kong eagerly. "Doing my bit for the community is fun!" DK and Popo turned and did a little dance, culminating in a thumbs up.   
"Do your bit for the community!" they said together.   
"Er… I don't mean to be rude," said Captain Falcon. "But what you two just said… who are you talking to?"   
"No-one," they said, winking conspiratorially at thin air.   
"I know!" said Popo. "Just before you kidnapped me, I heard Kirby and Pikachu talking. Kirby was saying something about a toy that he really wanted but probably wouldn't be able to get. Maybe you could make them really happy by buying it for them!"   
"Yes!" said Donkey Kong. "Popo, that is a brilliant idea! I can't wait to see the happy look on Kirby's face when I give it to him… this is going to be great!"   
Bowser waved a paw. "Don't go out the front door. There's a full scale war happening at the lawn. Order it off "   
"Thanks, Bowser, old friend!" said Donkey Kong. He and Popo left together.   
Bowser finished applying nail polish to Captain Falcon's eyebrows. "Oh… you look sexy, Captain…" he breathed. "Wait! I mean… Samus will for for you just like that… so good looking…"   
Jigglypuff got herself a thirty-second cup of sugar water and drank it happily.   
"Wait!" said C. Falcon. "Aren't you supposed to be in the battle down there?"   
_"Oops,"_ thought Jigglypuff. She had forgotten all about the battle. Throwing a cup half full of sugar water at Captain Falcon, Jigglypuff quickly took the chef's hat off, and dashed out of the room. Via the window. And fell. Out of the window. Her friends would be losing without her to help! 

"You know," remarked Kirby, dodging Link's hookshot, "now that Jigglypuff is out of the way, I'm finding it a lot easier to evade the enemy."   
"Pi ku," acknowledged Pikachu. _"Me too."_   
Jigglypuff dashed back onto the battle field, and was promptly thrown by Roy straight into Kirby's face.   
Immediately the adults surrounded Pikachu, Kirby and Jigglypuff.   
"See what I mean?" said Kirby. "She's bad luck." He stood up, preparing to make a final desperate stand against the adults. But, obviously, they had no hope save the slim chance that Ness and Nana would show up and save the day.   
Ness and Nana showed up and saved the day.   
The fight had erupted into a fierce collection of minor battles.   
Zelda and Link were fighting the two Pokemon together. Pikachu turned Jigglypuff on her side and gave her a good push. Jigglypuff went rolling straight into Link. Link picked her up and turned her to face him.   
Big mistake.   
Jigglypuff pounced, grabbing onto Links face and holding on tightly. Screaming, Link went running around in random directions.   
Zelda uttered a magical spell and auras of magical lights surrounded her. She was beginning her transformation to Sheik. Chanting voices and mystic music filled the air as her clothes began to swivel around, changing texture…   
Pikachu walked up and threw her towards a lake.   
Ness and Nana tackled Mario and Roy. Ness used PK Flash to send Mario flying high into the air. Roy prepared his **FIREY SWORD OF DEATH**.   
Nana was used to quickly adapting to difficult situations. On the spur of the moment, she grabbed Ness and threw him at Roy. But before Ness made contact, Roy spun around and grabbed Ness. He kicked ness straight at Nana, who deflected Ness with his mallet. Roy jabbed Ness back at Nana with his sword.   
At that moment, Princess Peach arrived. "Free tennis racquets!" she called.   
Nana and Roy broke up their fight for a moment to grab some, then continued to pummel Ness at each other. Eventually Nana smashed the racquet with perfect aim. Screaming, Ness went zooming straight towards Roy. Roy put up a shield, and Ness ricocheted straight up.   
In midair, Ness grabbed Mario, who was just beginning to fall down again.   
"Mamma mia!" cried Mario. "You are-a going to kill us both!"   
Ness looked down and realised that grabbing Mario hadn't done anything whatsoever to slow his fall. "Oh, sorry, Mario," said he.   
"Oh well, it is-a nothing. This is a war; we are enemies. It is-a natural."   
"Still, is so blasted annoying to be rocketing off like this again," said Ness.   
They spiralled off into the distance, and turned into a star 'cause I said so.   
Back to the others. Kirby and Fox were fighting fiercely. Kirby tried to slip past Fox, but whenever he tried, Fox turned on that weird mirror thing. Finally, Kirby decided on an alternate strategy. He inhaled a nearby pebble to become… STONE KIRBY! With the awesome ability to turn to… well, if you don't know, you're in trouble. A lot of it, too. Sorry, where was I? Oh, yes. So Kirby jumped up above Fox, and floated in the air above him.   
"Ha!" said Fox, running to keep directly underneath Kirby. "You thought I'd fall for that? Well, I've got bad news for you! You can't possible stay up there long enough – oh. Aaaaaaaaaaaah!"   
Kirby, living up to the funny little hat he was wearing, turned into a large block of stone and landed directly on top of Fox, pushing him deep into the ground.   
Fox quickly scrambled out, only to be eaten by Kirby. Kirby inhaled Fox and undertook a mystical transformation into… FOX KIRBY! No, he did **not** turn into Fox (ha! Tricked you!). Instead, he donned a fake pair of ears and created an exact copy of Fox's blaster out of thin air.   
Fox and Kirby jumped into the air and began a spectacular firefight. There were twists, dodges, and… to make a long story short, imagine any action scene you've ever seen which uses guns, and substitute Fox and Kirby into it. Yes, it was like that. Except without the exciting music.   
Eventually, Fox and Kirby had shot each other so many times that they were both on the brink of exhaustion. Kirby floated up above Fox, and prepared a finishing Rock Drop move.   
"Oh no," thought Fox, waiting for the evitable (Hint: I didn't say **in**evitable. Guess what that means?)   
Kirby, still wearing the fake fox ears, began the magical transformation into a rock…   
"Not so fast!" cried Falco Lombardi, dashing onto the screen. "I'll take that impostor for you, Fox, old pal!" He immediately launched a barrage of laser shots into the air. Every single one hit its mark.   
Falco did a super kick, pushing his target deep into the ground. "Ha! Looks as if you aren't so good after all, Kirby. Fox, I guess it's your turn to be thankful."   
"You moron," said Fox weakly from three metres below the ground. "_I'm_ Fox!"   
"What?" said Falco. "But… how… but I thought he was Fox! _He_ looks like Fox. He's even wearing his trademark headset!"   
"It's a costume, for crying out – Falco, could you help me out here?"   
Falco leant down into the ground to help Fox out. "Ow!" he cried. "What did you hit me for?"   
"Oh, sorry, I thought you were Kirby trying to finish me off."   
"Oh. Well, that's okay. Here, let me give you a hand." Falco reached down. "Ouch! What the hell was that for?   
"Sorry," said Fox, grabbing Falco's hand. "But you can't trick me. You're Kirby. After all, you have two eyes…" Fox smiled.   
"Oh SHOOT!" said Falco as he was pulled down under as well. "Ow! Get off! Help me! NO, don't hurt the wing… don't AUUUUUUUURGH! Stop! I'm SORRY! PLEEEEEEEEEASE!"   
Kirby quickly scanned the battle field. Well, now that everyone else was busy, he had better sneak out before anyone noticed.   
Kirby calmly waddled out the front gates, ignoring all the mayhem behind him. 

"I know," said Bowser. "This should really impress Samus, Mr. Action. Aww… action… you… sorry, I meant: Popo just suggested a toy that the kids would like. What if **you** bought it, and gave it to the kids -"   
"What good would that do?" said Captain Falcon. "Samus wouldn't use it."   
"You idiot! You give it to the kids in front of Samus!"   
"Right, I get it! So then she thinks I'm a caring person who's worth doing it with! Hot golly, I think this plan of yours will work, Bowser!"   
"Indeed. So get onto the Internet, and try to find a copy to buy."   
"Wait… wasn't Donkey Kong about to buy it for the kids? Damn. Now I'll never impress Samus. And it's all your fault," he said, tears forming in his eyes. 

**--insert romantic music—**   
"Don't worry," said Bowser. "All isn't lost. You see, Donkey Kong won't buy it."   
"Oh?" said Captain Falcon angrily. "And why not, may I ask?"   
"Because the website address I gave him is fake. There's nothing there. And knowing him, he'll keep trying again and again, while you sweep Samus off her feet. Literally and figuratively, of course."   
"The web site doesn't exist?"   
"The web site doesn't exist." 

"The web site exists!" cried Popo in shock. "I could have sworn that nobody in their right minds would book a domain like that. I mean, the expenses, when compared to the ratio between popularity and maintenance and random -"   
"I'm sorry," interrupted Donkey Kong. "But now that we're on the site, what do I do?"   
"Oh, sorry. Well, first you click that button which says, 'Cheap GameSpheroid™'. Got it?"   
"Yep."   
"Now, enter in Mario's credit card number -"   
"I'm so glad I copied it down last week," said Donkey Kong, typing it in.   
"- and press that button."   
"What, the red one saying 'DEATH!'?"   
"No, the blue one: 'Fulfil your purpose in life by making children happy'."   
"Oh, right," said Donkey Kong, clicking on the corresponding button. 

Ganondorf sneaked up onto the battlefield. "Ha!" he said, voicing his thoughts out loud. "While everyone else is fighting, I shall finally be able to get rid of Link for once and for all!" Ganondorf waved his arms and chanted, preparing a **spell of pain, hallucination and DEATH**.   
Fortunately for Link, Ganondorf was so preoccupied that he failed to notice Nana and Falco fighting right behind him. "Die, impostor!" cried Falco, firing a couple dozen blaster shots at Nana, all of which hit Ganondorf instead.   
"Curses!" cried Ganondorf, as his cursing curse went accursedly awry. "These cursed mortals have cursed my curse before I could (curse)ing finish cursing Link with the accursed aforementioned curse! –insert curse-- it!"   
Ganondorf's spell hit Link and Jigglypuff, but instead of being a curse of **pain, hallucination and DEATH**, Ganondorf had conveniently missed the death part, and thus it was only a curse of **pain and hallucination**.   
"Aah!" said Link. "It burns! It burns!" (He probably said this because he was in pain.)   
"Jigglypuff!" said Jigglypuff happily, completely ignoring the pain.   
Link and Jigglypuff collapsed and hallucinated a lot.   
Yeah.   
So…   
Er…   
Right! So, anyway, Pikachu and Zelda were shooting strange projectile attacks at each other. Eventually… Zelda won. How? Well… let's say… that Pikachu surrendered… because he was hungry… 

A helicopter flew in directly over the smash mansion and dropped two crates inside.   
Donkey Kong and Popo were sitting, waiting, when one of the crates crashed through the ceiling and landed in front of them.   
DK opened it. "Wow! _This_ is a GameSpheroid™?"   
"No, that's the instruction manual."   
"Right," said Donkey Kong, not understanding a word of that.   
Popo reached inside and pulled out perfection itself. The GameSpheroid™ glittered and shined and let off random beeping noises every few seconds. Popo and DK stared in awe at the magical aura emanating from the orb.   
"I can see the appeal," whispered DK, getting onto his knees. 

"Wow!" said Bowser. "Talk about instant delivery!"   
"Amazing…" said Captain Falcon. "I only clicked the 'Buy' button ten seconds ago and it's here already…" They both stared at the GameSpheroid™. 

Ness and Mario landed in a random shopping centre. "Ow!" they both exclaimed.   
Ness turned around and saw it. "Oh my…" he whispered. "Look, Mario! There it is! The thing we've been fighting over!"   
"Natasha's Lingerie Store?" said Mario, puzzled.   
"No, over there!" said Ness, turning and pointing to the store just to the left of there. "A GameSpheroid™. The ultimate in game consoles, at least for the next three days. This is what we were fighting over."   
"Amazing," muttered Mario. "I don't-a mind you kids-a getting this…"   
"Really?" said Ness, suddenly switching into 'pleading cute baby' mode. "Please can we get it? We'll be good? We're cute! We love trees!"   
"Of course-a, Ness."   
"Wait… then why were you fighting with Zelda and co.?"   
"Because she lied to me! She said you were trying to buy a GamePyramid."   
"Oh… I see. That explains it. After all, everyone knows that GamePyramids are rip-offs and not worth buying. The only way to go is the GameSpheroid™!"   
Ness winked at an imaginary camera.   
"Now, let us-a buy it."   
"Can you afford it? It costs $65535.99!"   
"Don't-a worry. I'll use my credit card! And I must ask Falco to give back that $65536 I lent him yesterday to look at. That-a will easily cover it!" 

"Gee," said Captain Falcon and Donkey Kong simultaneously. "I don't know whether Mario will be happy when he finds out I bought this with his credit card!"   
"Don't worry," said Bowser and Popo simultaneously. "He never uses it anyway." 

Kirby waddled into a store, bought a GameSpheroid™ with the $65536 he had 'borrowed' from Falco, and looked at the extra cent.   
He went into a candy store.   
"One candy flavoured lollipop, please," he said to the cashier.   
"If you have an extra cent, you'll be eligible for our special offer: two for the price of two!"   
"Ooh…" said Kirby. "But I don't have an extra cent."   
"Oh, okay." The cashier suddenly recognised Kirby. "AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHH!" cried the cashier, running away.   
"Bye?" said Kirby, watching.   
He shrugged.   
Candy was good to eat. And now that nobody else was looking, he could eat all the candy in the store!   
Where to start? 

Link woke up, and saw mists swirling around him.   
"What's going on?" he cried.   
A shadowy figure appeared in the distance.   
"Who are you?" said Link.   
"I… am… the ghost… of… your late father…"   
"Why are you here?"   
"I must warn you…"   
"What?"   
"I was… murdered…"   
"No, you weren't."   
"Shut up… I was murdered… by Ganondorf…"   
"No, you weren't."   
"Ganondorf… is evil…"   
"Duh."   
"He poured… poison… into my nose…"   
"Are you on drugs or something?" said Link to the mystic ghost as multicoloured mist swirled around him and fairies played. "Wait! You mean Ganondorf poisoned you? But I thought… --insert implausible plot device which prevents people from being poisoned--!"   
"It wasn't normal poison… it was magic poison…"   
"What, dark light holy electric fire air deathbed life birth pain pleasure potion?"   
"You've never tasted Zelda's cooking, have you?"   
"Are you insane?" said Link to his father's ghost as millions of living chains and strands of magical computer screens danced around an infinite number of bonfires in the moonlight behind a rainbow.   
"No… you are insane… you're imagining me…"   
"That can't be! I don't have any imagination!"   
"Loser…" 

Jigglypuff hallucinated.   
A magical giant blackberry appeared before her.   
_"Wow!"_ thought Jigglypuff. _"The magic blackberry!"_ She turned herself upside down so as to better hear the wisdom of the blackberry.   
_"Jigglypuff… you have done well… but evil still reigns… you must shift the balance… at noon, you must hide inside a vase, and sing Christmas carols… and then draw pictures on Pichu's face… do you understand?"_   
Jigglypuff nodded. 

"Have you ever got the feeling that life is far-fetched?" said Peach to Yoshi.   
"Yoshi!" said Yoshi. 

Jigglypuff and Link woke up on a mattress in some room.   
"What happened?" said Link.   
"Jigglypuff!" said Jigglypuff.   
Link looked outside the window. "I think the fight is over."   
Jigglypuff scanned the room. No vases! How would she carry out the orders of the mystic blackberry now? Jigglypuff then had an idea: go somewhere else! She searched a chest of drawers, just to make sure, then exited the room. Via the window. And fell. Out of the window. 

Now, you're probably wondering what happened to Young Link. Well, he got stuck in a tree. See? No plot inconsistencies whatsoever. 

_"See?"_ thought Mewtwo. _"This is really enjoyable, human."_   
"I don't know…" said Marth. "Luigi was funnier." He went back inside.   
_"You people have no taste whatsoever,"_ thought Mewtwo. 


	6. Sugar, chestnuts, sympathy and carols

  
**SUMMER DAYS**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. But I really would like to own something. So if someone could give me the rights to all the Nintendo characters in this story, I'd really appreciate it. If you can't manage that, please give me 10 free GameCubes. Or a talking monkey. Or a review.   
_If you don't give me anything, Jigglypuff will make sure you wake up in Norway tomorrow!_

**Chapter 6**

Samus sat patiently watching as Captain Falcon made a lot of song and dance out of his very touching and kind 'special treat for the poor children'.   
"So you see, I was really worried for the kids. This was obviously important to them," explained Captain Falcon. "You know what children are like. They'd feel really disappointed unless they got this lovely toy. So that is why I bought it for them, because..." he paused as he took out his next cue card... "...because the sound of children's laughter is the most important thing in the entire world. And I knew that it would be wonderful to make it appear."   
"How touching," said Samus kindly. "Why don't you come here, sweet?"   
"Really?" gasped Captain Falcon, amazed that she wanted to be with him.   
"Of course," smiled Samus (not that Captain Falcon could see her smiling, because she was wearing that Chozo suit of hers which covered her face).   
"Wow," breathed Captain Falcon, amazed that Bowser's plan had worked. He was finally going to do it with Samus, goddess of lust and ... er... six. Goddess of lust and six. (Must remember to keep this PG.)   
Captain Falcon slowly walked over to Samus and placed his hands on her.   
"What is that lovely smell?" said Samus.   
"Broccoli," breathed C. Falcon.   
"For me?" said Samus suggestively.   
"Yes... Bowser said it made me look sexy..." (I meant sixy. Honest.)   
"How sweet of Bowser..."   
"Yes... Bowser is nice... but not as nice as you... take off the suit..."   
"Naturally," said Samus passionately, whilst she thought to herself: _"So Bowser thinks he can control me, eh? I'd better see to him..."_   
"Why don't you take it off for me?" she said out loud.   
Captain Falcon stretched his arms out... 

_Four seconds later..._   
Yoshi was in one of his smarter moods, and was just coming up with the solution for global overpopulation via the destruction of asymmetry in nebulan cubic fractions combined with the inverse negative product of hyperradial statistical anomalies... well the point is that he was doing something really really really really important just when Captain Falcon landed on top of him.   
"Ar!" said Yoshi, slightly surprised by this turn of events.   
Captain Falcon would have said something cool to cover up his embarrassment, but as it happened, his mouth was gagged. And his hair was on fire. And in addition to all that, there were also really really giant bits of wood sticking out of his stomach, poking into Yoshi's head. And by into, I mean that they were half decapitating him. Not necessarily a bad thing.   
"Arararararar!" cried Yoshi, running around in circles and covering his eyes, inadvertently dragging Captain Falcon around with him. 

"Mamma mia!" cried Mario, running around in circles and covering his eyes, accidentally dragging his brother Luigi around with him.   
"It's-a all right," consoled Luigi, who was holding on to Mario's leg. "Two hundred and sixty two thousand one hundred-a and forty three dollars and ninety six-a cents-a isn't too much of a debt. Imagine if it was two hundred and sixty two thousand one hundred and forty _four_ thousand dollars!"   
"But-a how?" said Mario, calming down. "Who would buy three extra GameSpheroids� on my credit card? Is-a he insane? This is cruel-a-ty!"   
"It doesn't matter, Mario. The child-e-ren will now-a be four times as happy with four times the GameSpheroids�!" 

"WHAT?" cried Nana in shock, astonishment, and... well, you get the idea.   
"I just said!" said Young Link. "We don't have _any_ games at all!"   
"That's a total rip off!" said Nana, utterly disgusted by this development.   
"And the fact that we have _four_ times the GameSpheroids� but just as few games makes me four times as unhappy! You know what? This blows." 

"This blows!" said Marth angrily. "I swear, it's true!"   
"Come on," chided Roy. "Nobody's that stupid."   
"I'm telling you, Luigi was like that! He was here a moment ago."   
"Then why isn't he here now, Mr. Big Shot?"   
"I don't know! But I swear, it was hilarious!"   
Roy grimaced. "I seriously doubt that. There's absolutely nothing funny about seeing some guy in a green shirt acting like a complete idiot, Marth."   
Marth produced a conveniently placed digital video recorder.   
_Many many many hours later, possibly the next day..._   
Roy was roaring with laughter. "Ha ha ha ha! That's brilliant! I never realised how fun it could be watching Luigi act stupidly like that! It's hilarious!"   
"Yeah, I know! Can you believe that this little guy actually saved Mario once?"   
"Barely! You know, this recording is brilliant! We ought to show it to everyone else. They'll absolutely **love** it! Marth, you're brilliant!"   
"Hey, don't go giving me the credit! Mewtwo and I just found him sitting there staring at it. He probably decided to read it himself!"   
"Nobody ever needs to know..." said Roy thoughtfully. 

_The digital video recording by Marth of Luigi reading the worstseller "How to Trick Italian Plumbers" was eventually shown to all the Nintendo mascots in the Smash Mansion. They all agreed it was funny, with the exception of two brothers who failed to see anything unusual about it. The video eventually made its way to the famous "Nintendo's Funniest Home Videos", winning the prize for second-most stupid situation (right after the clip of Yoshi trying to teach the fundamentals of short addition to Peach with his limited vocabulary). The show was eventually canned after an unfortunate incident involving a refreshment stand, Kirby, Toad, and a stereo, to the dismay of fans studio-wide. However, everyone forgot about the whole thing a few days later after the arrival of the six hundred and forty third season of Pichu: The Pikachu-like Pokemon with Cuter Ears than Pikachu and a Very Very Disyllabic Name._

"I don't believe this!" shouted Fox McCloud. "It's utterly ridiculous! You're an absolute foolish moronic nincompoop-like numskull! An insult to molluscs!"   
"Look, I'm really sorry," stammered Falco Lombardi. "It's just that well, like I said a moment ago, in the heat of the battle, you two looked really similar-"   
"Does this -" Fox brandished a photo of himself standing next to an Arwing � "look like this?" Fox pulled out a picture of _Fox McCloud Kirby_, the Fox look-a-like with an appetite of steel and with the ability to leap tall buildings if he was standing high enough (that's really high).   
"Well -" Falco gulped � "...he has... the same... ears as you, I guess... and the same head piece... and the exact same model of blaster..."   
"Is that all you remember me by?" screamed Fox. "MY EARS?"   
"They're... very... distinctive ears. Attractive. Cute. Memorable. Handsome."   
"MY EARS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE CUTE! THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO CAUSE DREAD, FEAR, TERROR! NOT CUTE!"   
"I thought you started wearing your ears like that because Fara said that -"   
"SHUT UP!" shouted Fox angrily. "It's none of your buisiness."   
"But Fox, you just brought it up to begin with-"   
"Listen, _buddy_," said Fox, grabbing Falco by his collar. "It is not in any way my fault that you can't distinguish between me and a bit of slime the size of my head. Shut up now, or I swear I will pluck each of your feathers individually."   
"Okay," said Falco hastily.   
"Didn't you just hear me? SHUT UP! Oh, that's it." Fox pulled out his blaster. "Just for the record, it's your co-worker Fox who is about to disembowel you gradually, not some pink coloured pacifist glutton from an irregular decagon. Which is yellow. And has a lamebrain name."   
Falco readied himself for a fight, but realised that he was at a disadvantage (mainly because Fox had taken the liberty of tying him to the gates of the Smash Mansion before his little interrogation session). "Oh SHOOT," he said.   
Luckily for him, Yoshi darted by, knocking Fox into a tree, and also inadvertently dragging around star racer Captain Falcon.   
"Slow down, Yoshi!" said C. Falcon. "Just slow down so that I can dislodge this last piece of timber and get off on you. I mean, and get off with you. No, I meant so I could get you laid off on... get laid with me?... get hot on off?..."   
"Arararararararararar!" cried Yoshi, covering his large eyes with his large hands, wondering why this sort of thing always happened to him.   


**--begin flashback--**   
**--insert sad romantic music--**

  
Yoshi, carrying Mario, jumped across a wide river. Mario realised that Yoshi wouldn't make it, and thus bailed at the last minute, landing on a log, while alligators mauled Yoshi to death...   
Kirby ate Yoshi and then spat him out into Bowser's shell...   
Ness pushed Yoshi's head into a kitchen sink drain...   


**--end flashback--**

  
"There, there, it's all right," said Captain Falcon, stroking Yoshi. Yoshi was in tears. "Captain Falcon's here to make everything better."   
_"Wait,"_ thought Yoshi. Captain Falcon? Stroking him? But then Falcon was �   
"Arararararararararar!" cried Yoshi, running around in circles. 

Ganondorf stormed down the halls of the Smash Mansion, muttering insanely to himself. "That pesky Link," he said. "If only I could somehow remove him. He is the problem! He is the reason I can't take Zelda and then rap� I mean, and _enrapture_ her. Enrapture. But, of course, she doesn't like me, does she? Maybe I'll just kill her!" He squeezed a rod of metal tightly, crumbling it to dust.   
"But how to get past all of the security and spells surrounding those two?" he said to himself. "I know! I shall employ an agent who does not carry my mystic purple-coloured aura to destroy Link! Someone to do the work that I, alas, cannot do in person! Somebody," he grinned menacingly, "that he trusts..." 

Young Link was licking a Sugar Roll ('Sugar Roll � lots of fun! For you! Because we say so! And you're supposed to believe us! Now 1 fat free!'), while considering Ganondorf's proposition which had been proposed to Young Link in a proper pro-prosperous prominently productive procedure. Probably, the proactive pre-adolescent would pre-empt his preoccupation with the protein pack produced prior to the proposal of the pro-evil pronoun named profligate problem that was Ganondorf.   
"So will you do it, Young Link?" said Ganondorf rather eagerly.   
"Call me Link!" said Young Link. "That's my name!" He threw the Sugar Roll away. It landed in Fox's eye just as he was about to shoot Falco.   
"But will you do it, Yo- I mean, Link?" corrected Ganondorf.   
"So let me get this straight. You want me to sneak up to my older self, and then kill him while he's not looking, despite the fact that he would remember my earlier murder attempt (or is that suicide attempt? Hard to tell) and take Precautions, with a capital 'P', comrade. And let me tell you that it has been proved, (categorically, comrade; categorically) that it would result in some strange time paradox which would collapse the fabric of the universe, bring my arch enemy number 634, Mistarge Owens, into being, and result in some lame video game spin-off that would embarrass Nintendo forever. Right?"   
"Yes," said Ganondorf.   
"Hmm..." considered Young Link, tugging his beard gently (fine, fine, he didn't have a beard, but he had always wanted one, so we'll just pretend that everyone was simultaneously hallucinating that he had a beard). "Such a potentially dangerous task... give me... sixty two jelly beans."   
"Sixty two jelly beans? For that?" cried Ganondorf. "Thirty two!"   
"Sixty-four."   
"Deal!" said Ganondorf, passing over the jelly beans, and setting Young Link free to do a dastardly deed doomed to disintegrate directly after dismissal of dangerously downward odds diamonds divined days ago. (First person to tell me **1** if that made any sense **2** what it means **3** what it doesn't mean, and **4** how to pronounce it in Sumerian sign language, gets sixty four jelly beans!)   
Young Link ran off to kill his older self. Unfortunately, after consuming one of the high-sugar jelly beans, he overdosed on carbohydrates and started deliciously dancing in dance clubs in Dallas dismissing his deadly deed. The point being that he forgot about the whole thing six seconds later. Right.   
So...   
Well... 

"That's it, Samus," said Captain Falcon bravely, kicking down the door and then storming into Samus' bedroom. "I've had enough of your attitude."   
The room was completely empty. A gust of wind blew a newspaper across the floor directly in front of C. Falcon. Country music began to play slowly.   
"That's odd," said Captain Falcon. "This is Samus' room. Samus is supposed to be in her room, unclothed, waiting for me to arrive. Why isn't she here?"   
Falcon began to search around the room. He opened the shutters to the window and peered outside. No Aran. She must be playing hard to catch, decided C. Falcon. But then where would she be hiding? Inside her vanity case? No. Behind a hand mirror? No. Inside the chest of drawers? Falcon checked... no. So where could she be hiding right now?   
"I know," said Captain Falcon to himself. "Perhaps Samus is hiding under the covers of that bed over there." And so he walked over and checked under the covers. Hmm. Maybe if he got under the covers...?   
"That's odd," he said. "I didn't know that Samus had pictures of snow men on her bed sheets." He smiled to himself. "She's still a child at heart. How sweet."   
Popo and Nana walked into their bedroom. "I told you, you were the last one using it!" said Popo. "Sheesh. You're so argumentative. Nana, sometimes I really have no idea whatsoever why I hang around you all the time."   
Nana grabbed him by the neck and dug her fingers into his throat. Snarling, she growled, "_You hang around me because you are madly in love with me and do not want to be parted from me. Ever! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?_"   
"Yes, sir," gasped Popo meekly. "But didn't you say yesterday that it was because we are... er... very trustable climbers... with patience... and calm?"   
Nana reverted to 'sweet, innocent, clueless young lady' mode. "Oh, calm," she said in a gentle tone. "You're right. We stick together because we can trust each other with our reputations, our well being, our happiness, our lives."   
"Right, right," said Popo. "Could you please stop strangling me, Nana?"   
"What? Oh, oops!" Nana released her grip. "Sorry," she giggled. "I forgot all about that. I am a bit forgetful sometimes."   
"So, then, Nana, I trust you're done trying to murder me? Because -"   
"Me? Murder you? Of course not. That was only a game. Only in fun."   
"Fun. Right. Fun. Well, then, Nana, now that you've had your 'fun', could we get back to work? You know, the climbing gear?"   
"Climbing gear, Popo? Oh, right! The climbing gear. Like Ness said."   
"Ness is really clever at things like this. It's real admirable," sighed Popo.   
"Clever he may be, but Ness is a dirty, rotten..." Nana paused. "Hey, what's that under our bed covers? It's giant!"   
"I don't know," said Popo, pulling out his mallet. "But it looks really dangerous � possibly even man eating. Nana, you pull off the covers. I'll cover you."   
Nana whipped off the sheets to find Captain Falcon sprawled on the bed. Falcon looked up. "Wait!" he said. "I can explain. You, see... er... I wanted to get in bed with... I mean at... I wanted to find her... so I could sleep with y..."   
Nana and Popo glanced at each other, disgusted looks on their faces.   
The last thing C. Falcon saw was Popo and Nana aiming their **big** mallets. 

Ganondorf watched Young Link bouncing around outside eating candy. "I don't believe it!" he raged. "The child was supposed to **kill his older self resulting in the end of the universe**, not **eat jelly beans!** I must find somebody responsible with whom I can trust the job of killing Link."   
By an amazing coincidence (or plot device) Mario and Luigi walked by at that very moment, Mario still suffering a nervous breakdown over his bills.   
"Hey," said Ganondorf. "I've got a good idea. I think I'll just ask those two guys walking by right now to kill Link for me. In case anyone eavesdropping can't remember, I can't kill Link because of some non-existent spell of eternal protection which will be conveniently forgotten by the beginning of chapter 7."   
Out loud, he said, "Hello, my... er... friends. You're very good friends. So please... er... could you both please do me a favour?"   
"What-a would you like us to do?" said Mario in an unsuspecting way.   
"Well, I've just found out... that Link is a... is not Link. He is... he is actually one of Bowser's sons in disguise... and he wants... to kill Princess Peach... with a hair brush. It's absolutely terrible, isn't it, Mario? And you, Luigi?"   
Luigi gasped. "A hair brush-a? Mario! We must-a stop Link; put him in jail!"   
"Wait!" interrupted Ganondorf. "I don't think that you should just stop there."   
"What do-a you mean?" said Mario rather confusedly (actually, very much so).   
"Well, since Bowser has performed so much mischief, it _is_ about time that you both teach him a lesson. Why don't you kill Link? It would make things a lot easier for everyone. After all, consider all the evil and havoc that has been wreaked by the malignant Bowser for years and years. Couldn't you possibly kill just one more Koopa to end it all? The final sacrifice? The end to pain?"   
Mario was shocked. "I refuse-a to do that? I'm-a not a killer, Ganondorf!"   
Ganondorf recited the names of every single Koopa Mario had ever met.   
"I don't-a kill them!" yelled Mario, waving his brass-knuckled fist threateningly. "I didn't even kill Bowser! I just explode him and knock him off-a buildings!"   
"Come on Mario, everybody in this room has killed someone before."   
"Well, not-a me! Perhaps you all are-a mad! I would never kill!"   
From an air conditioning vent, a voice came: "And I never killed Gigas! I just taught him morals and convinced him to become a good, loyal pet!"   
Another voice: "And I would never kill a Kopi or a polar bear. You may not believe me, but I get stunt doubles to take their place. **_STUNT DOUBLES!_**"   
"And I never killed Ganon. I just kind of let him escape every single time!"   
"And I never killed Daisy, even when she beat me in a round of tennis!"   
"And I never killed Dedede. I just set him on fire, mauled him to death with mallets, threw him headfirst into giant pits, and shot him out of a cannon!"   
"And I never killed Mother Brain! I set the damn thing on fire and ran for it so that absolutely nobody would notice the space pirates escaping with it!"   
Everyone, especially Mario and Luigi, looked pointedly at the evil Ganondorf.   
Silence.   
"Why is everyone suddenly in this room?" said Ganondorf.   
Everybody scattered, so as to avoid plot discontinuity.   
"You see?" said Mario. "True heroes don't kill even when it's absolutely-a obvious that-a they should-a do it. Only a villain like-a you would even dare considering such a very, very, _very_ horrible deed-a!"   
"So I guess that means that you won't kill Link? Not even half kill Link?"   
"How-a can you-a half kill somebody? The answer still-a is no."   
"Not even for the sake of justice and harmony lasting forever and eternally?"   
"Not even for the sake of justice and-a harmony lasting forever and eternally."   
"You wouldn't even kill someone to get back the money you owed the credit card companies? The money which was completely wasted by 'friends'?"   
"Don't you get it? We both **refuse** to take a life. For money, or for goodness."   
"You wouldn't kill for good **or** for money, eh?" said Ganondorf thoughtfully. 

"I can't-a believe that-a we agreed," said Luigi, amazed.   
"But still!" said Mario. "We are killing Link-a for justice **and** for money's sake."   
"Ah," said Luigi. "I see. The mean justifies the end, does it not, Mario?"   
"You mean, 'The end-a just in-fights the mean', brother Luigi. The other way."   
"No. Killing people is really, really fun! It's been days since I've done that!"   
"Only a few days? But-a you've been stuck in the Smash Mansion today!"   
"I dreamed of doing it. It's like magic. Just like **_COKEPSI�_**. Mm. Cokepsi�."   
"Do you think that Ganondorf really believed that pacifist speech?"   
"Of course-a, Mario. He is, after all, evil. Evil people tend to be stupid." 

_Outside GameSpheroid� Local Headquaters, Buisiness District. 8.47 A.M._   
Kirby, Nana, Ness, Pikachu and Popo were crouched together, whispering.   
"All right," said Ness. "We're all here together. We are, aren't we? Er... yes, we are. Right. Well. Listen carefully, okay? I'll go through this just once:   
"The local HQ contains a vault with lots of super expensive games for the GameSpheroid�. This vault is situated five storeys underground, directly beneath the big Moonbucks coffee shop and adjacent to the cheapo Moonbucks coffee shop. The vault is absolutely airtight. Biological zappers at the door have been programmed to take out any form of life. Motion-linked laser firers destroy any moving objects. The windows, in a room five storeys underground, have been sealed tight with cement and dirt. The giant air conditioning duct which appears in any stereotypical vault is guarded by alarm-linked infra-red laser beams which are connected to a separate power supply, located in the big Moonbucks coffee shop. The room is so secure that even the top employees aren't able to get into there alive.   
"Despite the fact that there is lots and lots of very very valuable stuff inside the vault, there is only one guard posted outside it. The guard is replaced every hour, on the hour. The new guard is even more alert than the old guard, and the old guard will be drunk within three minutes thanks to the new Intoxik-8 blend of coffee, which is, apparently, really good tasting, but, as everyone knows, inferior to Cokepsi! The stuff of life.   
"Kirby, you're going to be the biological prevention mechanism remover. You will disarm the biological anti-theft machine for exactly as long as it takes us to steal the games. This will include a last minute chase sequence as you struggle to hold on for just a few seconds more. I'll be working with you too. Nana and Popo, you two are going to physically acquire the actual real-life manifestation of the target. And you, Pikachu, your job is to deactivate the high frequency vibration detectors for the ice climbers, using your natural skill, the creation of energy via electron bombardment. Any questions?"   
"Yes," said Popo. "Were we supposed to understand any of that, Ness?"   
Ness sighed. "Why can't you all act intelligently for once?"   
Nana butted in. "How do you know what the vault is like? Have you been there? Do they keep blueprints on a net-linked server?"   
Ness scowled. "Nana, stop acting intelligently."   
"Fine," scoffed Nana. "Have it your way. But I swear, you'll be sorry!"   
Pikachu piped up. "Pika pi, pi chu chu ka? Ka chu chu! Chu chu chuuuu!"   
"What? Oh... walk into the main reception, turn left after the lifts, walk three doors down, take the emergency staircase up, it's the 72nd door on the left."   
Pikachu scurried off to the bathrooms.   
"Kirby? You happy with the plan?"   
"What? Er... that's a... good point?" said Kirby.   
Ness walked over to Kirby. "Kirby, why are you staring at pictures of food again? I told you to listen."   
"I'm sorry, Ness. It's just that food is... so good... mmm... food..."   
"You _and_ Yoshi. You're both despicable gluttons. You know, being really greedy like that is **sinful**. It's **rude**, **immoral**, and **bad for you**. So after we finish stealing people's hard work from a legally protected vault, I'm only going to give you _half_ the hot dogs that I promised you earlier."   
"Only half?" whined Kirby. "I'm sorry, Ness, I really am."   
"No buts," said Ness. "Only 32767.5 ice creams afterwards."   
Kirby began to cry, but then noticed an ad on the wall, and went over to drool over it ('Wow! It's the New, All-Improved, Original Kentucky Fried Chestnut. Now selling for only $127.95'). "Mmm... fried stuff..." said Kirby.   
Pikachu came running back to the others, shouting "Pika pi, pi chu chu chak!"   
Ness turned around and psychically grabbed Pikachu by the tail. "Pikachu, I don't **care** whether or not your anatomy allows you to use the bathroom. FOR GOODNESS SAKE, IT'S JUST NATURE! IT DOESN'T MATTER! Now come on, let's go pinch some stuff that isn't going to benefit us in the long term." 

"That's odd," said Peach. "I didn't know that vases were able to sing."   
"Jiggly jil, jiggly jil, jiggly ul uh ji..." sang the very much enchanted vase.   
"Oh, it's singing Christmas carols!" sighed Peach. "How very cute. I must find Zelda and tell her all about this magical vase of happiness. What a wonderful day this is for me!" 

"What happened to Link?" said Zelda, looking around. Why couldn't a man who had saved Hyrule bear to watch her apply makeup? 

Link escaped Zelda's room, grabbing, for no particular reason, a quarter, and a small pair of suspenders (you must particularly remember the suspenders).   
He was walking down yet another empty featureless hallway in the smash mansion, when two slightly psychotic looking plumbers grabbed him.   
"What the hell do you want with me?" said Link.   
"We know-a exactly what you are up-a to," said Mario smugly.   
"Yes," added Luigi. "What you are up to, that we know. You can't lie to us."   
"What do you want with me? It's Link! _Link_, you know? Blonde, elfin ears, Master Sword, Ganon hurter, etcetera? Don't you recognize me, guys?"   
"Nice try," said Luigi. "But you see, we know that you are actually a disguised Koopa out to kill-a us and Peach and everybody else-a. Don't even-a bother, wise guy! If you really are Link, then why would your mortal enemy Ganon who keeps trying to kill you want us to kill you? Obviously, you are just another of Bowser's annoying henchmen. We-a are going-a to teach you a _very_ big lesson!" (_Have_ you forgotten the suspenders?)   
Link stumbled backwards, scanning around him. He was backed up against a window with no sill. Outside the window was a pool full of electric charges and piranhas.   
_"Oh no,"_ he thought. He was surrounded by two psychotic plumbers and had nothing to defend himself with except a quarter and a pair of suspenders (which you _must_ not forget). There was no way he could slip between them, or bribe them (a quarter isn't as much as you'd think. It's only worth a quarter of a dollar.)   
Mario and Luigi looked at each other, then charged. 

**_Next time (assuming there is a next time heh heh):_**   
_Will Link die? Will Jigglypuff shut up? Will that guy from the 70's show make a surprise appearance? Will Ness' plan actually carry out without a single flaw despite the odds? Will the planet implode? Or explode? Am I a stoned 8 year old boy? Am I a drunk 15 year old girl? Am I dyslexic? Will Ganondorf actually carry his evil plan out to its completion? Am I stupid? Do these brassieres make me look short? Is the Earth shaped like a cube? Am I running out of suspenseful questions to ask?_

Answers: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yes.   
If you answered correctly to all these questions, then you obviously are too intelligent to be reading this junk. You want to go home and rethink your life.   
If you answered any of these questions incorrectly, then you obviously are too stupid to be reading this humour piece. Try reading a Teletubbies story.   
If you think that I don't want anybody to be reading this, then you are obviously socially incapable. Try learning how to speak like Pikachu. 

**EDIT:** You're all probably wondering what happened to Yoshi. Well, he invented a magical machine and temporarily disappeared. So there are **no** plot inconsistencies in my story. Except for the 400th word in the story. It should be the opposite if you want to be _factually_ incorrect, not just uninformed-ly incorrect. 


	7. The final battle

  
**SUMMER DAYS**

Disclaimer: I actually own all of the characters in this story. But Nintendo patented all the ideas before I could. Please help support my cause by sending spam to the African Sega headquarters! 

**Chapter 7**

Captain Falcon went flying through the air with a large bruise on his head shaped like the head of the Ice Climbers' mallets. As a matter of fact, he had indeed been hit by the Ice Climbers with their mallets. Being hit by two mallets simultaneously at such a force that you fly through space for several hours is undoubtedly a painful experience. So, yes, Captain Falcon was in pain. Quite a lot of it. So, anyway...   
Captain Falcon went flying through the air with a large bruise on his head shaped like the head of the Ice Climbers' mallets. As a matter of fact, he had indeed been hit by the Ice Climbers with their mallets. Being hit by two mallets simultaneously at such a force that you fly through space for several hours is undoubtedly a painful experience. So, yes, Captain Falcon was in pain. Wait. I've said this before, haven't I? Sorry about that. It's just that Captain Falcon is not the epitome of good thinkers (quite the opposite) and this is mainly what he was thinking of. Aside, of course, from a naked Samus. Captain Falcon assumed that a naked Samus would be much better than a clothed Samus. Firstly, Samus looked good without clothes. Secondly, being naked would mean that Samus wouldn't have a flamethrower at hand if she got mad at him, like what had happened yesterday. And the day before. And the day before.   
For no apparent reason, Captain Falcon suddenly landed in a giant room full of swirling colours. Mystical voices shouted centuries of untold secrets to his waiting ears, none of which were vaguely important or interesting, and choirs of unearthly beings sang music which sounded worse than Celine Dion trying to play baroque music with an over-amplified overdrive electric guitar.   
Dazed, Captain Falcon looked around wildly. "What am I doing here?" he said out loud. "Oh, yeah. Right. That. Wait! _Where_ am I? What is this place?"   
_"You should know that,"_ said the voices around him. _"Indeed, you **do** know that. This is the place where everything is made. This is the place where everything is destroyed. The womb and the grave of everything."_   
"Are you going to kill me?" said Falcon, now paying slightly more attention.   
_"Fool. You do not appreciate what is done here. We have sacrificed eternity for your sake. Surely you could spare respect for us! Surely you would do us but a single favour."_   
"All right, _now_ I don't get it," said Captain Falcon. "I think you said something about me having **six** Author's note: the word is **six**, not any extremely similar word with Samus for eternity if you do me a favour."   
_"You didn't hear a word we said! We told you that you owed us a favour -"_   
"Oh, right. So I do you a favour? And then Samus falls for me like that?" Captain Falcon snapped his fingers, thinking of Samus falling for him.   
_"NO! We just said: you do us a favour, because for eternity your very being has been ensured by -"_   
"I heard you the first time. What do you want me to do?"   
_"You **are** desperate, aren't you?"_   
"Yep."   
_"Then you might as well do us a special favour."_   
"Does it mean that I get Samus?"   
_"Er... yes. Yes, it does."_   
"Okay," said Captain Falcon eagerly. 

_Auxiliary power plant, GameSpheroid™ Local Headquaters, Buisiness District. 8.55 A.M._   
There were fifty-two guards surrounding all entrances to the auxiliary power plant. Each of these guards meticulously monitored an area of access. Every square nanometre of wall was being scanned, the ceilings were rigged with manned heat detectors. The air conditioning ducts were filled with poison gas so that nobody could crawl through them (or turn on the A.C.) without suffering a painful death. The controls to the power plant were isolated so that someone would have to be physically there to get in. The rooms above and below the vault were rigged with fancy looking infra red sensors which really didn't do anything but were necessary for any good vault. There was no way a person could possibly sneak into the auxiliary power plant via any route which would work in other cool vault buildings from movies. Even the ceilings had touch sensitive panels to stop anybody from crawling in that way.   
Pikachu walked into the power plant.   
A security guard buzzed him in. "Well, you don't look like you work here, but you're not trying to drill through the walls, so I guess you're all right," he said.   
Pikachu was stunned. _"Wow!"_ he thought. _"Ness' plan to get me in actually worked. I'd call him a genius, except that he is. Hmm. Do geniuses think that being called a genius is a compliment? Do geniuses think that I'm cute? And could a genius like Ness work out how to get Pichu to shut up about his good looks?"_   
Pikachu recalled the **plan** which he was supposed to be following. _"Oh, dear, how silly of me. **Plans** are especially **important**. They provide a **strong framework** for future **development** and are an essential aspect of **motivation** for people to carry out specific minor tasks which **contribute** to the **overall scheme**."_   
Pikachu looked at his list. "Pika pi pi pika chu chu ka?" _"Now what does he want me to do?_   
_"Hmm... 1: 'Get into the auxiliary power plant room'... done that. I'm so glad that Ness' **plan** is helping me to **coherently** order my thoughts and ensure that I work **productively** and **efficiently**. Right._   
_"2: 'Make sure that the guards aren't suspicious'... of course I did that. I am a very **quick thinking** and **intelligent** Pokemon, and can easily come up with **creative** lies. I'm glad that I have **listened** to Ness' **useful suggestions**._   
_"3: 'Stop thinking like a motivational speaker.' Hmph. Who is he to boss me around?"_   
"Pika pi?" _"What?"_ That was easy! Ness just wanted him to short out all the circuits in the power plant and thus magically stop it from providing power, despite the fact that this power plant simply created power and used no complex circuits, instead simply providing AC power to (I'm not going to tell you where because it's a surprise and if you've read the last chapter then you can guess what it is so pretend that you didn't).   
The guard turned around. "Hey! What do you think you're doing?"   
"Pika pi pi ka, pi ka chu cha!" _"There isn't a rule against talking!"_   
"Yes, but -"   
"Ka pi kach! Ku u pi kich ka pichu kachu pik!" _"Exactly! So just leave me alone, guard!"_   
The guard pointed at a sign. 

  
**ATTENTION:**   
**NO reading lists in the power plant room.**

"I'm afraid I'll have to confiscate that," said the guard, snatching away Pikachu's list. "Hmm... true. We should have a rule about motivational speakers in this building – wait! What's this? Hey! Didn't you see the other sign over there, mister bigshot?" 

**ATTENTION:**   
**NO attempting to short out the power plant.**   
**NO shorting out the power plant.**   
**NO yellow Pokemon allowed.**   
**NO making sure that the guards aren't suspicious.**

"Pi ka... ka pi ka picha kich!" _"Eek, uh... er, I can explain this!"_   
"No, I'm afraid it's too late. I refuse to listen to any excuses. I demand that we fight this very minute, using lots of **jumping kicks**, as well as **spinning arm grabs** and lots of **positive thoughts** helping to **achieve desired goals**."   
"Pi ki uka I pi ki u ichu a iakchik kuh?" _"Is it okay if I kick you into an electric board?"_   
"Hey, you're not supposed to say that! Now, if this was a movie or a **REALLY LAME SHORT FAN STORY WRITTEN BY A MORON**, any audience will know who's going to win the fight sequence which we were just discussing!"   
"I ka ku ki! I kuh kich!" _"I'm a good guy! I must win!"_   
"True..."   
Well, you know what happened. There was a cool fight scene. I'm not good at writing about fight scenes. Actually, I'm not good at writing in general. So just imagine that you can see a fight scene (a cool one) and I'll hum the music for you. Dababa bum bah ba bah bah babaha badana nadabada badoompa doompa, dobidah doobidah doopa doo doopa dabidah! 

Aliens invaded the planet and blasted millions of innocent people into ashes at twice the speed of light. Maybe. Not that Princess Peach would have noticed. She was, after all, playing golf.   
I'll just let that sink in.   
Golf.   
Now, let's also say, for argument's sake, that Princess Peach was standing... hm... on top of the Smash Mansion.   
Golf.   
On top of the Smash Mansion.   
Okay. Can you imagine that? All right. Now, imagine that there's really annoying music playing. So annoying that it reminds most people of Peach when she's speaking in **such a sweet voice that you want to take the golf clubs out of her hands and insert them into her stomach the unconventional way**.   
Golf.   
On top of the Smash Mansion.   
That tune from _Star Fox Adventures_.   
Now, let me also mention that Princess Peach was not noticing the background music but was instead singing. Kind of like Celine Dion trying to sing classical opera with an over-distorted case of vocal seizures. At a rock concert.   
Golf.   
On top of the Smash Mansion.   
That tune from _Star Fox Adventures_.   
While singing like Kirby and Young Link on sugar.   
By now, you should be utterly amazed by this oblivious show of stupidity from Princess Peach. She was doing something mundane and predictable in an extremely dangerous place, while singing completely out of tune. Well, I don't want to shock you loyal readers, but -   
Hello?   
Any loyal readers?   
Any interested readers?   
Is anyone reading this?   
Oh, I am. Good. At least someone cares. **Me.**   
Grrr.   
Well, if anyone _was_ reading, I wouldn't want to shock them, so I'm warning them now: this is really shocking.   
Princess Peach was wearing a red dress.   
Yes, that's right.   
A red dress.   
Not the usual pink one.   
Red.   
Now, most people, by now, at least, would be wondering why Princess Peach was acting so strangely. Well, there's a very good explanation.   
It's quite simple, actually. You see:   
When Princess Peach woke up this morning she put on a pink dress and then as she was walking out of her room Captain Falcon flirted with her and she thought that was **very sweet** of him and accordingly kissed him but then Falcon said that he thought she was Samus and then he ran away and made Peach very sad so then she went down to the kitchen and found Zelda and they talked about ponies which was **very sweet** and they discussed other things like ponies and stallions and mares and horses and ponies and _perissodactyla equidae equus caballus_ which doesn't actually mean anything but sounds kind of funny so then Peach went upstairs and found Samus who was **very sweet** but was an extremely violent woman and a bad example for children especially little girls who liked Samus so Peach knew that she had to settle this problem pacifistically so Peach pulled out a sword she had confiscated from Link and mauled Samus with it and Samus tried to hit her back and dive into a morph ball which was **very sweet** but Peach grabbed the morph ball and stuck nails into it and Samus was stuck in there so Peach threw Samus into a fire and then Peach went downstairs and ate some nice scones which Kirby had stolen from the pantry which were **very sweet** and then Peach realised that she had blood all over her dress which was the oxygenated sort of blood so her dress was covered with red stuff and she tasted it and decided that it wasn't **very sweet** at all so she tried washing it out but it didn't work which made Peach upset so she decided she needed something to cheer herself up so she finished the scones and then she went to find Ness but Ness had disappeared and maybe he was stealing stuff but that was okay it was better than being violent so Peach went exploring and found a magical vase singing some **very sweet** Christmas carols and then Peach decided to play golf so she went up to the roof and played golf, but was too busy playing golf to admire the view which was **very sweet**.   
"How sweet," thought Peach. 

_"How sweet,"_ thought Pichu. _"It's Christmas carols. And it's coming from a vase. How interesting!"_   
Pichu walked a bit closer to take a look.   
The vase was still singing, now vaguely representing "Silent Night".   
"Ji-ly gly, gi-ly gly, uh i gul, uh i gly..." sang the vase sweetly.   
Pichu stuck his head into the vase so as to hear better. 

Nana and Popo were huddled somewhere in a long air vent used to vent – well, air. I guess you guessed that. I mean, I am guessing that it is a good guess to guess that you are guessing that – the point being that Nana and Popo were huddled here.   
Directly beneath them was a cool looking vault which Ness had located for them. The Ice Climbers were trying to get the GameSpheroids™ inside the vault. Unfortunately, the giant and easily visible infra-red laser barrier was still turned on. This, as a matter of fact, was a **bad** thing.   
"I thought Ness said that he would get it turned off!" said Nana angrily.   
"You're looking at me as if it's my fault," said Popo placidly.   
"Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry..."   
Popo gulped and looked down. "I've got an idea!"   
"And just what might this oh-so-brilliant idea be, Popo?"   
"Well, I was thinking that even if I dance around inside the laser grid, the computer tracking the sensors has such bad reflexes that it won't sound the alarm for 5 seconds!"   
"How do you know what its reflexes are like?"   
Popo pulled out a mallet and hit one of the sensors, then looked Nana in the face for exactly five seconds before pointing at the sensor.   
_"OW,"_ said the sensor. _"THAT WAS RATHER RUDE OF YOU,"_   
"So," said Nana. "What difference does that make? If you jump down now, then the alarm will still go off." Nana felt proud at herself for being so smart.   
"But Nana, if the power goes out a split second before the alarm goes off, then nobody will have noticed that anything has happened!"   
"And what makes you think that the power will go off right then?"   
"Hey, it always works in films," said Popo, shrugging at Nana (as opposed to shrugging at someone else completely or his imaginary friend John) quietly.   
"True," said Nana thoughtfully. "But this isn't a film. This is real life! That, or a **REALLY LAME SHORT FAN STORY WRITTEN BY A MORON**," she added.   
Popo jumped through the air conditioning vent.   
Now, has anyone here seen the _Mission__: Impossible_ movie? You know, the one where Agent Hunt goes flying through a white vault in CIA headquarters being hoisted by a dangerous ex-agent? Well, this is kind of like it. Except that I don't have the rights to the theme song, and instead of Agent Hunt it was Popo being lowered by his ice climbing rope, and instead of a vault in CIA headquarters there was a vault in GameSpheroid™ local headquarters, and instead of that slightly psychopathically evil dude pulling Popo down it was Nana who held Popo's life in her hands (note: you don't want Nana to be holding your life in her hands. She invariably drops things.) and also, the  
GameSpheroid™ company was so poor despite selling millions upon millions of heavily overpriced gaming consoles and employing cheap labour from DK's jungle for about one cent per decade that they couldn't afford even a cheap computer to put inside this vault.   
Incidentally, the vault wasn't white; it was more like a weird shade of grey.   
So anyway, Popo went flying down while Nana held him up via a rope. The laser grid ad been triggered, and Popo counted down his head. "_Five... four... three... two... one..."_

Pikachu cut out the auxiliary power just before the alarm would have gone off.   
This is the sort of coincidence which, coincidentally, coincided with the coincidental plane of reality, by coincidence. 

Popo reached the floor of the vault and delicately picked up all the GameSpheroid™ games. "Okay, I've got it," he said.   
For the sake of dramatic tension, the games suddenly disintegrated, leaving a note behind. Popo, shocked, picked up the note and read it aloud.   
"Okay: 'The happiness you seek may have been once,   
But certainly is here no more,   
And if you mispronounce the word 'dunce',   
Then this poem rhymes, you bore.'"   
Nana thought that Popo was making up poetry (having not seen what had happened down there) and, to punish him for his sudden show of creativity (for goodness' sake, he was male!), she let go of the rope.   
Popo hit the floor with a thud. "Ow," he said rather feebly. 

Now, the more intelligent of my readers (yes, I know that I don't _have_ any readers, but if, for argument's sake, I did have readers, then the more intelligent of those readers would now be the subject of this argument) may have been wondering why the guards had not noticed anything unusual.   
Well, it turns out that Ness and Kirby had been doing an excellent job of **distracting** the guards.   
Firstly, Ness sent Kirby into the nearby cheap Moonbucks coffee shop to get the new variety of coffee, Intoxik-8! Kirby came back with a full cup. Ness used all his psychic powers and intelligence to make the guard drink it.   
"Hello, mister guard?" said Ness in a high-pitched voice.   
"Yes, sonny?" said the guard in a low-pitched voice.   
"I'm lost and I can't find my way out so please drink this coffee for me."   
"All right," said the guard, downing the coffee. The guard suddenly leaned forward, threw up, and started flirting with Ness.   
"Hey, little boy, you look good in that dress," said the guard drunkenly.   
Kirby ran in to join Ness. They danced around and kept the guard distracted.   
Unfortunately, after a few minutes, the guard shook himself out of his drunk stupor. "Hey! Wait a minute! You gave me alcohol to distract me so that your friends could sneak into the vault!"   
"What?" said Ness, looking at Kirby. "Intoxik-8 is so strong that it's dangerous to use water while you're under its influence! _What did you do, Kirby?_"   
Kirby gulped. "Well, I couldn't find where they kept the coffee, so I-"   
"Did you look inside the coffee machines, Kirby?" said Ness angrily.   
"Oops. Well, anyway, I saw some Cokepsi™ and thought that it would do."   
"Oh, I see. That's understandable. **_COKEPSI™_** is such a very rewarding experience that it make people act as if they're drunk! Except that they're not. Cokepsi doesn't contain alcohol. Only coke. That's why it's good for you!"   
Kirby and Ness did a cute little dance, and pointed at an imaginary camera.   
The guard had had enough of this, and sounded the alarm.   
_"BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!"_ went the alarm.   
"Mmm... candy..." said Kirby, fainting into Ness' shoes. 

Link threw the suspenders at the Mario brothers and magically teleported to a different room. (Now you know why you weren't to forget the suspenders!)   
Link was now just outside the main doors to the Smash Mansion. He immediately joined in a conversation with Marth and Zelda, despite the fact that he had no idea what they were talking about.   
"And that is why I believe that the universe is really governed by very much benevolent enchanted ponies," finished Zelda with a really dopey grin.   
"Well," said Marth. "My philosophy is that the universe is ruled by a supreme deity. Its name is Theau Thor. Theau Thor has ultimate control over our lives and decides everything that we do and is responsible for all the amazing coincidence which occurs in this world."   
"If that's true," said Link, "then why are some people so stupid? And why are we so unhappy? Theau Thor obviously doesn't care if we get hurt."   
A brick materialized above Link and landed on his head, shutting him up.   
"Theau Thor is really handsome," said Zelda admiringly.   
"And clever and witty and charming," sighed Marth.   
"You know what such a wonderful and important person deserves?"   
"Yes," said Marth. "Theau Thor, for all his hard work in ensuring that this universe continues to function in such a pleasantly pleasing way, deserves -"   
"**_REVIEWS!_**" shouted Marth, Zelda, and Link together. (Link had magically woken up so that he could praise The Author. I mean, Theau Thor.)   
Sonic the Hedgehog suddenly appeared.   
"Hello, Sonic," said Zelda pleasantly. "What are you doing here?"   
"Well, I'm actually a secret Smash Brothers character," explained Sonic.   
"But Sonic, you're not actually Nintendo! You're a Sega character!"   
"STFU n00b!!!!111 U al r l0s3rs! :) :) :- lololololol!" said Theau Thor.   
"But Zelda," said Sonic. "I'm cool! I'm blue, I have a neat name, and I'm so super powerful that I can beat anybody! And if Theau Thor is so stupid that he doesn't realize how much that stacks the odds when I'm actually part of a tournament of friendly battle, then obviously Theau Thor is an idiot!"   
"Sonic, **you're not Nintendo**. How many times do I have to say that before every single Au Thor shuts up about it and stops acting like some wannabe loser?" said Zelda.   
Zelda was suddenly hit by lightning as divine retribution for being rude.   
Marth turned into a pony and went on a quest to find his long lost pony sister who turned out to be kept in an evil villain's stormy cliff-top giant lair.   
Sonic suddenly saw that Theau Thor was indeed a stupid person for having included a Sega hedgehog in the story, and suddenly melted, turning into a delicious blue syrup which goes well with pancakes and marshmallows.   
Link was suddenly teleported back right in front of Mario and Luigi.   
Theau Thor decided that it wasn't worth killing off Link, so Mario and Luigi realised how wrong they were. How? Well... er... maybe Mario and Luigi were confronted by Yoshi who told them how Ganondorf had manipulated them into being evil minions. Yeah. That's believable. So that's what happened, I guess. 

_"It's very simple, Captain. We will ensure you eternal happiness if you do a single favour for all those needy children in the world,"_ said the voice.   
"Right," said Captain Falcon. "I'll be happy if I... what? Do a single child?"   
_"No, you fool! Just take this magical container to the blooming plant, and then you may be released, both physically and spiritually."_   
"Right," said Captain Falcon. He had kind of dozed off after the "Just take..." bit. 

Jigglypuff meticulously applied makeup to an unconscious Pichu's tail. 

_Outside GameSpheroid™ Local Headquarters, Business District. 9.13 A.M._   
"Okay," said Ness. "That didn't work. Now, Popo, I've analysed that note you've found. It says that we will be able to find the games in Abu Dhabi."   
"Really?" said Popo.   
"No, idiot," said Ness. "Here's the plan: there's a truck coming up this road full of GameSpheroid™ games. When I give you the signal, we start bombarding the truck with all kinds of attacks."   
"Now?" said Nana.   
"No, not yet," said Ness, holding up his hand.   
Pikachu and Kirby started throwing rocks into the distance.   
"NO!" said Ness.   
"But you gave us the signal," whined Kirby. "You put your hand up."   
"That wasn't the signal, Kirby."   
"What is the signal?" said Kirby, thinking, _"Oh, please please please say that the signal is you giving me lots of candy."_   
"When I say 'now'," said Ness.   
"The signal is 'now'?" asked Kirby.   
"Yes, Kirby, it's 'now'."   
Popo and Nana pulled out their squall hammers.   
"NO!" said Ness. "Not yet!"   
"But you said 'now'," said Popo.   
"But I didn't mean 'now' as in 'now', I was just telling Kirby... forget it. Just attack at the count of five."   
The truck came closer.   
"One..."   
The truck came closer.   
"Two..."   
The truck came closer (I know, a bit predictable).   
"Three..." 

"This is easy," said Captain Falcon. "I get to have se – I mean, six, with Samus, and all I have to do is manoeuvre this strange container to the mother compound. How easy can it get?"   
C. Falcon reached the mother compound. 

The truck stopped at the headquarters gate.   
"Four..." said Ness.   
Everyone got ready. 

C. Falcon smiled. "This is easy! And I'm almost done! The only thing that could possibly ruin me now is if a genius, two young mountain climbers, a puffball and an electric type Pokemon simultaneously bombard me with weird attacks." 

Ness, the Ice Climbers, Kirby and Pikachu all attacked the truck at the same time. 

The truck exploded, sending Captain Falcon flying through the air, as a jazzy kind of theme played. 

Jigglypuff meticulously applied cucumber slices to Pichu's eyeballs. 

Dababa bum bah ba bah bah babaha badana nadabada badoompa doompa, dobidah doobidah doopa doo doopa dabidah! 

_Smash Mansion Main Hall. 9.30 A.M._   
Almost everybody suddenly materialized in the Smash Mansion hall.   
They all stared at each other.   
Master Hand floated in.   
"Master Hand!" shouted everyone. "We haven't seen you for weeks! Where have you been? What are you doing?"   
"Silence," said Master Hand. "I was hoping that forcing you all to stay here at the Smash Mansion would teach you some character."   
Everyone nodded in agreement.   
"So," continued Master Hand. "If I let you go, you must have learnt something. So, what has happened in the last 15 hours? What have you learnt?"   
"Well," said Mario, stepping up, "I have-a learnt-a that violence is not the answer to all our problems. Cokepsi™ is!"   
Master Hand nodded (kind of).   
Luigi stepped forward. "I have-a learnt that violence is not-a the solution to all our troubles."   
Master Hand shook with fury.   
"Oh, something else-a? Well, er... er... help? I have-a learnt that if one plus one is two, then two plus two can't be four because-a if two plus two is... wait... but then... no... but if it is... what?... perhaps..."   
Peach stepped forward. "I've learnt that golf balls roll off rooftops easily!"   
Bowser stepped forward. "I've learnt that vegetables are not going to become a trend in clothing anytime soon."   
Captain Falcon stepped forward. "I," he said in a throaty voice, "have learnt counting. Samus, you asked me what comes after 1. Well baby, it's – wait – give me a moment... if one plus one is two... wait... but then... no... but if it is... what?... perhaps... wait, it's C, isn't it?"   
Samus stepped forward. "No, it's three."   
"I knew that."   
Samus turned to face Master Hand. "I've learnt that music binds us all together and that Peach swings a mean golf club. She tried using the morph ball function in my suit to play golf with!"   
"Did not!" said Peach.   
"Did too!" said Samus.   
Peach screamed and started hitting Samus with a vase.   
"True," said Master Hand. "Music is important. So..." 

**--insert patriotic music. You know, horns and strings. Like in that movie where the military/world space effort saves the world--**

"I've learnt that Fox is not pink," said Falco.   
Fox: "I've learnt not to trust my friends, but only my enemies."   
Gannondorf: "I've learnt that Young Link eats way too much sugar."   
Young Link: "What? Er... no... because... because I've learnt... that Gannondorf... is an evil... evil liar?"   
Link: "I've learnt that it's impossible to kill my younger self because if I killed my younger self then I would have died when I was that young so then I wouldn't be able to kill myself so then I'd be alive except that it's really confusing and Young Link is a dirty stinking rat."   
Zelda: "I've learnt that ink does not go well with celery."   
Nana: "I've learnt that Ness only cheats half of the time. Wait..."   
Popo: "I've learnt how to cheat at cards. I mean, I've learnt how to play card properly. Really. Not kidding."   
Mr Game & Watch was not yet in this story, so he didn't say anything.   
Roy: "I've learnt that Ness makes a good tennis ball!"   
Ness: "I've learnt that tennis sucks!"   
Marth: "I've learnt how stupid Luigi and Mario really are!"   
Yoshi: "Yoshi? Yoshi yoshi..." Yoshi noticed DK looking at him angrily. "Arararararar!" cried Yoshi, running around.   
DK: "What? Me? Er... me don't know? Me learnt... Pauline taste... good?"   
Kirby: "I've learnt the difference between espresso and sugar. Sugar is sweeter." Kirby ran around in circles at light speed then fainted.   
Pichu: "Pichu chu chu ka!" _"What's this? AAAAH! THERE'S BLACK STUFF ON MY FACE! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! What? Oh. Well, I've learnt that... Pikachu is... a good person?"_   
Pikachu: "Pikachu chu kachu chikuch ka!" _"I've learnt how fun mindless mayhem is!"_   
Mewtwo: _"I've learnt that overexposure to these people is making me go insane!"_   
"Well, that's everyone!" said Master Hand.   
"Jig jiggly puff puh jig!" cried Jigglypuff. Jigglypuff was so very clever that she had made up **her very own dance routine**! That's right! Dance! Jump! Say your name! Turnstyle! Freestyle! Motorbike! Play the flute! Throw pies! Throw cake! Somersault! Back flip! Pound and sing! Super sonic breakdance! Jigglypuff happily danced and twirled and pirouetted all the way out of the room. Via the window. And fell. Out of the window.   
A meteor suddenly hit the Smash Mansion, killing off everyone. And that, friends (if I've any), is the end of that story. 

**THE END**

Really.   
The end.   
I'm not joking.   
It's the end.   
Please believe me? 


End file.
